BBM Changed My Life--Or It Will

[mcnell1120]

Larry...you touched my heart...your peace will now carry you on with life...there may even be a surprise down the road...much luck to you and many more years of happiness!!

Nellie

[Ellen (tellyouwhat)]

Larry, I am so glad to hear that you came to this place of friendship with your Ennis.  It sounds to me like you have filled in what was a missing puzzle piece of your past.  How wonderful for both of you.

[Boris]

What an inspiring story.... the impact is about reclaiming our story, our past and rewiriting how the story continues.

Thank you Larry... thank you.

[Oregondoggie]

Brokeback Mountain became the Fifth Gospel.  Jack was my shepherd.  He led me back to my friend.  At our gatherings, Colorado, Wyoming, Alberta, all of us grazed on the mountain.  We were nurtured, empowered, by its lesson. 

Earlier this year, that gave me the courage to begin an email dialogue with my friend.  Ostensibly over our seminary class reunion, it was really to see where each of us stood now, forty years later.  I was determined not to disrupt his life, pass through "Riverton".  I had been deeply in love with others since.  I have a life rich with possibilities here in Portland.  But Brokeback made me want to clarify at last with him what had happened to our long ago selves.  I had paid an enormous price over the years.  There hadn't been one day that I had not thought about him.  Where he was.  What he might be doing.  Whether I would run into him.  Always the need for forgiveness for my hateful letter.

So... laconic, yet teasing, emails began to trickle back and forth through late spring and summer.  Soon I knew I could see him.  We had things to eyeball each other over (an' I don't mean just the wrinkles!)  The focus was the approaching reunion,  The Catholic Church was like the Titanic.  We had been seminarians on her deck. Other classmates had their own issues.  Most had found various life boats.  Now the shouting was to begin...

As posted above, things sorted themselves out.  I am welcome at his home.  But the intense need is relaxed now.  I truly like his wife.  If not me, she's the best thing for him.  Probably better! 



.   

[killersmom]

Larry
I am so glad this turned out for you in such a positive way. I know that it takes so many years of weight off your heart and frees it to continue on, seek new things, and have the great satisfaction of having that one person in your life, back in your life. I am so happy for you.

Linda

[atruant]

Larry,

Too wonderful.

You are living proof how we can open up and move on when we take Brokeback's lessons and run with them.

Bravo buddy!

John

[paintedshoes]

As posted above, things sorted themselves out.  I am welcome at his home.  But the intense need is relaxed now.  I truly like his wife.  If not me, she's the best thing for him.  Probably better! 



.   

Darling Larry, your love and understanding of his relationship with his wife is a true testament to you.  You did the right thing, my friend.  And I honor you for it.

[NoelMichael]

Dear friends, When I first saw Brokeback Mountain when it first came out, I thought it to be a wonderful story and film, but I also thought that the plot was unreal...until it happened to me this year. And so when I saw the movie again for the second time again a week ago, the movie meant more so much to me now. I am grateful for this story and film.

I happen to be a minister. In our church, there is some acceptance that gay ministers could be in same-sex monogamous relationship. I have been in monogamous relationship with a wonderful man for the last twelve years. He is a loving man, but we are, in so many ways, highly incompatible. That we lasted for twelve years is itself a miracle. Though we love each other, we lack both lack passion and chemistry in so many ways that he often complained that I treated him more like a  brother or cousin (some family member) than a lover. In so many ways, our incompatibility also fueled our loneliness in this relationship. I stayed because the relationship was stable, safe and comfortable and I tolerated the lack of passion, thrill and chemistry, and I believe he did too... I was ready to be settled in this relationship for long, hopefully for life...

Or so i thought, until I met a tourist, Michael, visiting New York City. Actually he was here on a business trip. Michael was from Hong Kong. Both of us, however, were from the Philippines and so we shared this commonality. While he was here, I served as a tour guide. He was here for a week and in that short span, we fell in love...There was utmost passion between us. Suddenly, how can I say it(?), Michael made me feel alive in a way I never felt before. He made me get in touch with that spark, that passion I thought I had lost or perhaps suppressed just so I could stay in a rather passionless relationship. I thought I did not have that fire in my love anymore. But Michael made me realize after all....But it was a short-lived as he went back to Hong Kong. I thought I would either not see him again or it would take long to see him again. I also thought perhaps that it would end. I would go back to my relationship (which I betrayed) and he would go back to his family (He has kids but separated from his common law wife. Michael once fought his gayness by entering into a relationship with a woman).

I went back to the Philippines shortly thereafter to visit my parents. Michael flew from Hong Kong and visited me in the Philippines where we spent four wonderful days, and when it was time to say goodbye, it was excruciatingly painful for the both of us, and shed buckets of tears. Now, we chat by email at least two to three hours a day; we almost call each other daily (big phone bills) to sustain what we got...People around us always say that this is not going to work out. Perhaps, but for now, we are committed in trying.

There's so much against us. For one, I am in this relationship with my partner, and my affair has made me confront the realization that my partner and I are actually not happy but lonely in this relationship for years now, something we did not admit for who really wants to admit a failing relationship? We have had now many honest conversations in which he has revealed to me that for years now I have emotionally "checked out". That is so sad. How right is that song- "Honesty is such a lonely word." And so we are now talking about separation. We are going through a rough time, but we are committed in separating in a way that would not diminish one another. In regards to my faith, I am sorely tested. First, I have to contend with my infidelity and betrayal of this relationship. How can a minister like me act in this way? I betrayed not only the man who was my companion. I betrayed my integrity. Secondly, I hurt the man who loved me all these years. Thirdly, how could God allow us to be "unmade?" I have been a faithful minister. I have served him and his people. But then, as someone said, perhaps God's allowing to undo this relationship is disintegration with a purpose. I don't know, but maybe, just maybe out of this scandal, sin and chaos, grace comes...I take that in faith...

Both Michael and I could not move in together for now. There are no job prospects for me in Hong Kong, and likewise for Michael who also have to attend to his responsibility towards his kids. But maybe some day we can, Maybe we are foolish enough to believe but...

For now, Michael and I plan to meet three times a year. I feel like Jack complaining to Ennis that what they got was simply a few days a year. For many people that seems foolish and sad (and sometimes, to us, too), and maybe it is...

I saw Brokeback Mountain again this past week. I bought my own DVD copy. I cried and cried, lots of tears...I can identify with the struggles of both men...both wanting to be with one another so badly (especially Jack Twist) yet for whetever reason, they couldn't...
But what they got is love, for many, foolish love...perhaps indeed both were fools...

What I have now is Michael. At least both of us are still alive. I felt so sorry for Ennis when Jack died...But what keeps my hope alive is the fact that Michael and I are still alive and as long as we have life, we can hope that some day we will be together. Like Jack and Ennis, maybe both of us are just fools in love.

But for now, I have the film, and today, will venture out in the cold weather of New York City to get me that book...Someone here said that Brokeback Mountain is the fifth Gospel (It was OregonDoggie here.) How true that is now in my life. I have to thank those who brought this story and film to life...And I have all of you here in this Forum to thank also...I suddenly do not feel alone anymore...

Love, Noel

PS: Tomorrow, December 9, is the second anniversary of Brokeback's Mountain opening in theatres in New York, San Francisco and Los Angeles...

[Flyboy]

Noel, welcome to the Forum. What a powerful post, and the courage it surely took to write it. Thank you for sharing as you embark on a new chapter in your life. 

[CellarDweller115]

Noel, thanks for sharing your story with us......it was very courageous of you to post it!

[paintedshoes]

Noel, welcome to your new home.  It is never easy to admit and accept that time has changed what was important to us in and about a relationship.  Letting go of your partner must be difficult enough for you, without the added burden of the guilt you feel for finding someone in Michael.  I won't gloss over that part of it.  You did something you regret, in having an affair, and you must deal with your regrets ,before you can move forward. 

But...it sounds as if you have a strong and positive relationship beginning to build with Michael.  This will help you as you deal with everything else. And we are here, as well. We can listen, maybe offer a word of advice now and again, and be a shoulder for you to lean on when you need it.  I, personally, have very broad shoulders.

Welcome, friend.  We are glad you found us. 

-Jackie

[NoelMichael]

Flyboy, CellarDweller115 and Paintedshoes- Thanks so much for welcoming to this forum, and thanks so much for all your kind words...
It feels great to be here...

Noel

[mcnell1120]

Great post, Noel....I love your honesty and most importantly...I love your hopes,your dreams....don't ever let them go..don't ever say it's never going to happen or you're foolish to believe in it....you don't know what God has stored for you,it's your instincts that he has blessed you with...just follow it and trust!

Good luck to you,

Nellie

[NoelMichael]

Hi Nellie! You made my day....I was actually feeling down just thinking about my doubts and struggles, but your words gave life to my hope...

Noel

[Flyboy]

See what we told you, Noel? Lots of warm, caring folks here; good listeners too. Nellie is one of our best kept 'secrets' here....