BBM Changed My Life--Or It Will

[ChrisFewa]

I’ve been reading “Beyond Brokeback,” since it came in the mail a few days ago.  I had always expected stories of pain like the ones in the book due to my miniscule brushes with it.  However, to read them and put faces of people I know to them is incredibly hard.  I have come to realize that we have to stand up; we have to fight for what as human beings we are entitled to.  It is a freedom we all deserve and for generations people have wanted and secured freedom by any means.  Now I am not saying we should all run out and behead government officials or anything like that, but it has worked in the past. 

[BayCityJohn]

Now I am not saying we should all run out and behead government officials or anything like that, but it has worked in the past. 

No need to do that, most government officials have already lost their heads.

[ChrisFewa]

ya that is very true.

[graylockV]

The tree of liberty is watered by the blood of heroes - Thomas Jefferson.

Which to me means we need to summon some guts in order to live a free and open life.

[Brokenone]

Well, I am new here and this is my first post.
Not sure where i should start so I decided on here since Brokeback got me good and it ain't over yet!
I just saw the movie for the first time about a month ago.
From the first time I heard about the movie and saw a trailer I knew this movie was going to impact me. If only I had known how much. I guess things happen for a reason and they happen when we are ready for them to. Seeing the movie for me was like a wake up call, having cold water poured on me in the middle of the night and getting hit by a mack truck all at the same time. I guess I should go back a bit first.
From an early age I knew I was different. Didn't know what just knew I wasn't the same. I figured out a name for my differentness in the 6th grade. I'll never forget it. Michael Ray, a white trash redneck, called me a "Faggit"!
Everyone laughed but I had never heard that word before so i asked what it meant. You know, QUEER, a fudge packer,a homo,a cock sucker. I didn't know what some of those things meant but others didn't need an explanation.
But I knew they were right. While all my friends were talking about the girls who were developing, I was thinking about the boys that were developing. How could they have known that? Well, I didn't want to be one of THOSE. So, for the next several years I went about cramming that side of myself way deep down. I dated girls and had sex with as many as i could. I joined a fraternity, played sports, anything I could do to make people think I was as normal as the next guy.
It worked too. No one really ever knew.
Then I met him. It was a friends party. He came in with his girlfriend and I saw him. He was beautiful. Everything I had ever dreamed of in a man in my wildest fantasies. We were introduced and became fast friends.
For four years we were friends and nothing ever happened. I never told anyone about my feelings. We went drinkin together and were invited to all the parties. Then one day he told me he was moving. I was devestated.  We kept in touch and he invited me to come visit him. So, I hopped on a plane in 1991 and went to visit. I met his girlfriend and we hung out and had fun. He had his own APT and I stayed with him. His girlfriend lived across town with her kids. One night after his girlfriend left we were drinkin and listening to music. I looked up and he was looking at me. I said "what"? He leaned over and kissed me hard on the mouth. I didn't know what to do so I just melted. He said he's been waitin for years to do that. I asked him why he didn't do it sooner and he said cause he thought I'd freak out and tell everyone he was gay. I laughed. He looked like he was going to get mad then i told him how I had been feeling all these years. Well, after that it was ON!
We made a night of it. However in the morning we had the same convo Ennis and Jack had.
The next day i had to go home. He married his girlfriend in the fall. Later that year he came back to visit his Mom. He came alone and stayed with me. Needless to say we picked up where we left off. I eventually got married. We both had kids and went on with our lives. Then one day he came to me and said he wanted us to be together. Well, like someone else we all know and love, I said no. The next year he divorced his wife and came out.
We have had limited contact since then.
fast forward to the end of march 2007. My wife is out5 of town the kids are in bed and I decide I'm going to watch BBM on cable. Never before have I ever seen a movie that mirrors my own life so much. Maybe we weren't cowboys in the 60's but hell, almost everything else is similar.
I ralized then what i have done to my life. I have supressed who I am for who everyone else things I should be. I have been the good son, father, husband etc. and it's all been a lie.
One thing I have learned from the movie is life is short so you better make the most of it while you can! I'm tired of living the lie. I love my kids and don't want them to be hurt. I love my wife but am not and have never really been in love with her. I don't want to hurt her either but I can't go on this way anymore. I am miserable and dead inside.
So, I am filing for divorce and going to live an honest life. Whatever that may mean and whatever happens I am tired of living in a box and will not do it anymore. I have seen this saying before but it finally makes sense to me. I would rather be hated for who I really am than to be loved for who I am not!
Thanks for taking the time to read this!
Brokenone

[milomorris]

So, I am filing for divorce and going to live an honest life.

WOAH!!!!

Brokenone, let me be among the first to congratulate you on your discoveries, and encourage you in building your future. Please take care with the wife, kids, and everyone else who has any stake in your decision. Do what you can to make it easier on them. I hope your friend is still there for you, and I wish you both well.

Do You!!

Milo

[john john]

OH Brokenone!!! What a moving and heartfelt first post!!

I'm so sorry you are suffering so. I'm sure you know that however painful this divorce will be, it is all for the best for all of you. You know deep down who you really are and you must cherish yourself  with all the strength you have. I know how horrible living a lie can be and I fully understand how you're feeling right now. It is beyond words. You are taking a decision that will make you happy and free and honest.
Time is precious and love is even more precious, grab the brass ring and become the man you have left behind.
I know this sounds trite but please believe me I know for a fact that in time you will laugh and cry for all the good reasons. Life will be good again. You are right in doing this.

This beautiful film has worked yet another wonder.  How amazing!!!!!

You are very welcome here and I hope you will let us help you.

You have found friends.

JJ

 

[sweety02]

Never before have I ever seen a movie that mirrors my own life so much. Maybe we weren't cowboys in the 60's but hell, almost everything else is similar.
I ralized then what i have done to my life. I have supressed who I am for who everyone else things I should be. I have been the good son, father, husband etc. and it's all been a lie.
One thing I have learned from the movie is life is short so you better make the most of it while you can! I'm tired of living the lie. I love my kids and don't want them to be hurt. I love my wife but am not and have never really been in love with her. I don't want to hurt her either but I can't go on this way anymore. I am miserable and dead inside.
So, I am filing for divorce and going to live an honest life. Whatever that may mean and whatever happens I am tired of living in a box and will not do it anymore. I have seen this saying before but it finally makes sense to me. I would rather be hated for who I really am than to be loved for who I am not!
Thanks for taking the time to read this!
Brokenone

Hey Brokenone,

let me add my welcome as well! What a moving message from you! I have been touched so deeply reading your story as I did before when watching BBM.
Thanks for sharing such a very personal story with us.

Your post is confirming once more that the power of this movie is unbelievable.
You absolutely can’t choose whom you are going to love. When your heart choose somebody, your mind & soul will follow!

Please do remember the tag of the movie “Love is a force of nature”.

I wish you all the best for your future and hope you are able to say all those things which had previously been left unsaid.

Laura

[Brokenone]

Thak you all for the warm welcome!
It is a very hard thing I am going through sure enough!
I'm not divulging my sexuality issues to anyone at this point.
trust me there are so many other issues that have led to the point I am at in my marriage that my sexuality issues are the least of the problem if you can believe that. Plus I don't want to add anymore hurt to the hurt that is to come.
I need to be able to wrap my own mind around it first before i start sharing the news with the rest of the world. For now, I'll just keep it to my self. As Jack said, "ain't nobodys business".
I'm having such a hard time processing it myself. My knowledge of the gay world is limited at best. I have not been involved i it and only know of it from what I have seen on TV and have been able to glean from the net.
Truth is, I have a long road ahead of me.

[john john]

Brokenone, forget the gay world, just be yourself.

Best of luck!!!

[AHappyMan]

Hi Brokenone and welcome to the forum.
Many people here have been where you are. You aren't alone.
When I was first dealing with my sexuality, a very wise woman
gave me the best piece of advice I've ever been given. When I
told her I was gay, she said "Your life is now a blank sheet of
paper. You can write anything you want there".

Consider thoughtfully what you want to write there, and take joy in the
writing! It's your story.

[Brokenone]

"Your life is now a blank sheet of
paper. You can write anything you want there".

Thats the scary part. I don't even know where to begin.
I mean, I have no idea how to be gay. Well, some idea LOL!
But as far as meeting people and how to manuver is that segment of society.
I've been in whitebread middleclass America my whole life. Well, actually on the fringes of that cause I've always lived in the country.
I'm afraid I'll be like a little lamb in the middle of a wolf pack!
It's all really scary re-inventing myself at 40.

[AHappyMan]

Don't worry about being gay, just be yourself.
As far as meeting people goes, I always think a good place to start is by making friends.
And this forum is a great start!

[john john]

Thats the scary part. I don't even know where to begin.
I mean, I have no idea how to be gay. Well, some idea LOL!
But as far as meeting people and how to manuver is that segment of society.
I've been in whitebread middleclass America my whole life. Well, actually on the fringes of that cause I've always lived in the country.
I'm afraid I'll be like a little lamb in the middle of a wolf pack!
It's all really scary re-inventing myself at 40.

You may feel like a little lamb right now, that's understandable. What's important right now is that you feel good about yourself.
It's not easy meeting the right person in any circumstance. You'll have to go out and meet people, you'll have to step out of your tracks and see what's out there for you. Take your time.
You never know, YOU just may be the wolf!!!!
Snarl!!!!!!!!

I widh you the best.

[dahlia]

It's all really scary re-inventing myself at 40.

Yes it's scary but....exciting too!
Coraggio!!!!

Your posts are so moving...thanks for sharing with us 

((()))