The Latest News From The Onion

[CellarDweller115]

[trekfan]

Joad Cressbeckler: Homosexuality A Necessity On Cold Mountaintops

-Indeed?!

definitely

[Marge_Innavera]

Actually this didn't run in The Onion; the "issue" became Onionesque before they could get to it: 


Stop 'Schweddy Balls' Effort Begins

Saying that "the vulgar new flavor has turned something as innocent as ice cream into something repulsive," the conservative group One Million Moms is calling on Ben & Jerry's to stop making "Schweddy Balls."

One Million Moms wants its members to e-mail Ben & Jerry's "requesting that no additional Schweddy Balls ice cream be distributed." And it wants members to threaten a boycott if the company doesn't do what they want.  As Eyder wrote earlier this month, Schweddy Balls (the ice cream) was inspired by a Saturday Night Live skit in which actor Alec Baldwin "plays Pete Schweddy, a guest on a fake NPR show called Delicious Dish. Pete makes holiday treats like cheese balls, popcorn balls, rum balls and his famous Schweddy balls. The skit is an exercise in double entendres."

We've contacted Ben & Jerry's spokesman Sean Greenwood to see if the company has any comment. It certainly hasn't changed its mind about Schweddy Balls since the One Million Moms call-for-action went out: Ben & Jerry's website is prominently promoting Schweddy Balls, and Greenwood's voicemail message is as well.


for full story and update, see http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2011/09/21/140662704/stop-schweddy-balls-effort-begins

[Marge_Innavera]

Congress Takes Group Of Schoolchildren Hostage
'We Need $12 Trillion Or All These Kids Die'
September 29, 2011 | ISSUE 47•39

WASHINGTON—Brandishing shotguns and semiautomatic pistols, members of the 112th U.S. Congress took a class of visiting schoolchildren hostage today, barricading themselves inside the Capitol rotunda and demanding $12 trillion dollars in cash.

House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH), who has emerged as spokesman for the bipartisan group, informed FBI negotiators this morning that the ransom was to be placed in stainless-steel suitcases and left on the Capitol steps by 4 p.m. sharp. If their demands are not met in full, the 11-term representative announced, "all the kids will die."

"Bring us the money and we let the children go, simple as that," said Boehner, appearing in the East Portico with a serrated switchblade held to one of the fourth-grader's throats. "If you want to play games and stall for extra time, we're going to shoot one kid an hour, starting with little Dillon here."

"Tick tock," he added, vanishing back into the building with the terrified child in tow.

~      ~      ~      ~      ~

With the ransom deadline nearing and no apparent resolution in sight, President Barack Obama was summoned in a last-ditch effort to diffuse the situation. Despite an emotional bullhorn appeal to return to "honest talks aimed at reducing the national debt and getting millions of unemployed Americans back to work," the chief executive was met with silence.

full story and updates at http://www.theonion.com/articles/congress-takes-group-of-schoolchildren-hostage,26207/


Postscript: Crooks and Liars reports that the Capitol police were not amused.  Click on the link below for a video and review of The Onion's Twitter feed.

http://videocafe.crooksandliars.com/heather/satirical-post-onion-congress-taking-schoo

[CellarDweller115]

Oh damn!   "Or all these kids die!" 

[gnash]

Actually this didn't run in The Onion; the "issue" became Onionesque before they could get to it: 


Stop 'Schweddy Balls' Effort Begins

haha... well, if was called "salty boobies" and even showed booby birds on the label, you know people would still complain.

they must be the same moms that rallied against the calvin and hobbes sticker you see on cars, pissing on things (competitor's car logos, usually, like a ford pissing on a chevy).

i remember an article a while ago, and they were complaining that the popular image, seen on cars on every street, showed a young cartoon character doing the dirty deed and "obviously ejaculating"... LOL.

[fritzkep]

Believing is seeing.

[Marge_Innavera]

Forget hybrids and electric car -- this one is just perfect for our country at present.  Click on the image to hear all about it.

[Marge_Innavera]

Construction Complete On 9/11 Truther Memorial


UNDISCLOSED—On a remote patch of Kansas prairie believed to fall outside the range of U.N. spy satellites, construction is finally complete on the long- awaited 9/11 Truther Memorial, sources confirmed Wednesday.

Funded by donations from dozens of websites and fringe publishers, and dedicated to "the fearless amateur research and bold guesswork" of those seeking to "expose the secret machinations of the world's true puppet masters," the 7,000-square-foot monument has already attracted hundreds of visitors.

"It was a long time coming, but at last it's here," said Don Gustaf, a blogger who drove from Cincinnati to see the site. "This will stand forever in tribute to those who lost their lives the day clandestine CIA operatives used advanced wireless technology to electronically hijack a pair of 767s and remotely fly them into the World Trade Center."

Created by a design team who chose to remain anonymous for fear of reprisals from the Bilderberg Group, the memorial has as its centerpiece the "Truth Towers," a 60-foot-tall replica of the World Trade Center that houses a museum devoted to unanswered questions surrounding the attacks. Below it lies a pentagonal reflecting pool from which emerge 18 steps leading to the base of the monument, with each stair intended to symbolize one of the 18 Great Lies of the 9/11 conspiracy.



Go to http://www.theonion.com/articles/construction-complete-on-911-truther-memorial,18034/ for The Full Story.

[CellarDweller115]

[Marge_Innavera]

Potentially Kansas' #1 tourist attraction !   

[Marge_Innavera]

9/11 Memorial Curators Decide Not To Display Swastika Formed By Twisted Girders Found At Ground Zero

NEW YORK—Despite the surprising coincidence of finding a perfectly formed swastika amidst the broken girders of the Twin Towers, 9/11 memorial curators have opted not to display the symbol, choosing instead to leave it in the storage facility where it has been located for the past 10 years.

"On the one hand, it's pretty miraculous that there was a precisely shaped 80-by-80-foot swastika found in the rubble of the fallen World Trade Center, but in the end, we decided not to include it in our plans for the museum," said memorial spokesman Stanley Morgenstern, adding that it would probably be seen as inappropriate. "Although you've got to admit that it is pretty incredible. Mathematically, what are the odds? It's amazing but, perhaps, not right for what we are trying to achieve with the museum."

Upon hearing the news, neo-Nazi groups have complained about the exclusion, arguing that the giant swastika is "a sign from heaven" and that "9/11 affected all Americans, including those who believe in the inherent genetic superiority of the Aryan race."

http://www.theonion.com/articles/911-memorial-curators-decide-not-to-display-swasti,21290/

[Marge_Innavera]

On October 17th, the Onion did a quick poll of Americans' reactions to Herman Cain's 9-9-9 soak-the-poor plan.  A few results:

"Look, getting America out of this recession demands we all share the bold, written-on-the-back-of-a-napkin sacrifice Cain has proposed."
..
Henry Dodge, Systems Analyst




"I for one don't mind paying more taxes for the greater good of sheer mathematical elegance."
..
Emily Doty, Jet-Dyeing-Machine Operator




"Did someone just say the same number three times? I love it when that happens! Do it again!
..
Simon Tallmadge, Granulator Tender

[fritzkep]

"Did someone just say the same number three times? I love it when that happens! Do it again!
..
Simon Tallmadge, Granulator Tender

Actually, he was speaking German.

[royandronnie]

Ach, nein…