The Latest News From The Onion

[Marge_Innavera]

In response to the flack about the CEO's anti-gay attitudes and CFA's support of anti-civil rights groups like NOM, Chick-fil-A has introduced a new sandwich for its customers and supporters:


Chick-Fil-A Debuts New Homophobic Sandwich
'Queer-Hatin' Cordon Bleu' Goes On Sale Wednesday
..
July 24, 2012 | ISSUE 48•30

ATLANTA—As part of its recent efforts to publicly align itself with fundamentalist Christian values, the Chick-fil-A restaurant chain announced today the debut of its new Queer-Hatin' Cordon Bleu sandwich that would be on sale in all of the company's 1,600 restaurants this Wednesday.

In a press conference to reporters, company representatives said the homophobic new sandwich will include the national fast food chain’s trademark fried chicken filet wrapped in a piece of specially-smoked No Homo ham that would be topped with a slice of Swiss cheese and lathered in a creamy new Thousand Island-based Fag Punching sauce.

"The Queer-Hatin' Cordon Bleu is our company's way of showing our firm commitment to strong, Christian family values," said Chick-fil-A spokesman Robert Gary, before adding that the vehemently anti-gay rights sandwich comes served in a combo with waffle fries and a medium soda for just $6.95. "From the very first morsel of this savory meal to the very last bite, customers can envision gays burning in hell with their sodomizing cohorts, and know that our sandwich is on their side.  Of course, the young ones will want to finish their meals off right with a No Fudge Packin' Soft Serve Cone," Gary added. "I can't think of a better way to follow up a sandwich this good."

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According to sources, the Queer-Hatin’ Cordon Bleu is merely the first of Chick-fil-A’s new family values menu which is set to include the AIDS Is God’s Curse chicken nugget combo and the Fags Caused 9/11 strawberry fruit smoothie.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/chickfila-debuts-new-homophobic-sandwich,28888/

[kittykat]

That's disgusting! Surely they can't get away with that?

I hope people start boycotting them!

[fritzkep]

What the chicken company actually does is bad enough, but The Onion is a satirical newspaper.

[Marge_Innavera]

Unfortunately, fanaticism and superstition is powerful enough that it's sometimes difficult to distinguish parody from reality.  I've noticed in recent months that the Onion is acknowledging that in their mix of 'news' items.

Here's a link to an unrelated CFA story -- not from the Onion -- about a current lawsuit.  It seems they fired a woman who'd received good employee evaluations for what their professionally pious CEO would undoubtedly regard as a valid reason:

"[Plaintiff Brenda] Honeycutt, who used to work for Chick-Fil-A, is suing her former employer because according to court documents, her supervisor, Jeff Howard, who owns the Duluth, Georgia Chick-Fil-A restaurant, fired her because he wanted her to be a 'stay home mother.'  To make matters worse, Howard replaced Honeycutt, who is suing for wrongful termination, with a male employee. . . . Claims from the court document filed by Honeycutt’s attorney include:

    'On or about June 27, 2011, Defendant Howard told Barbara Honeycutt that she was being terminated so she could be a stay home mother.'
    'Howard routinely made comments to the Plaintiff suggesting that as a mother she should stay home with her children.'
    'The Defendant has engaged in a pattern of gender discrimination against female employees.'

"The court filing also lists others that the Chick-Fil-A owner told he had terminated so she could be a stay home mother, and shows a pattern of women with children being demoted."

http://thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/chick-fil-a-sued-for-firing-pregnant-woman-so-she-could-be-a-stay-home-mom/legal-issues/2012/07/26/44701

[Marge_Innavera]

Romney Proudly Explains How He's Turned Campaign Around
'I'm Lying More,' He Says
October 8, 2012 | ISSUE 48•41 | More News
   
For weeks many Beltway insiders had written off the Romney campaign as dead, saying the candidate had dug himself into too deep a hole with too little time to recover. However, with a month to go before ballots are cast, Romney has pulled even with President Obama, and the former Massachusetts governor credits his rejuvenated campaign to one, singular tactic: lying a lot.

“I’m lying a lot more, and my lies are far more egregious than they’ve ever been,” a smiling Romney told reporters while sitting in the back of his campaign bus, adding that when faced with a choice to either lie or tell the truth, he will more than likely lie. “It’s a strategy that works because when I lie, I’m essentially telling people what they want to hear, and people really like hearing things they want to hear. Even if they sort of know that nothing I’m saying is true.”

“It’s a freeing strategy, really, because I don’t have to worry about facts or being accurate or having any concrete positions of any kind,” Romney added.

Romney said he is telling at least 80 percent more lies now than he was two months ago. Buoyed by his strong debate performance, which by his own admission included 40 or 50 instances of lying in one 90-minute period, the candidate said he will continue to “just openly lie [his] ass off” until the Nov. 6 election.

~     ~     ~     ~

 “For example, if someone accuses me of having a tax plan that makes no discernable sense, I just lie and say that I do have a tax plan that makes sense. I also say there is a study that backs up my plan. See that? Simple. None of it is remotely true, of course, but now we’re moving on to the next topic because people are usually too afraid to ask me straight up if I’m lying, because that is apparently not something you ask someone who is running for president.”

Moreover, Romney said, if anyone does accuse him of lying, he will simply say he is not lying, which he noted is just an extension of the overall strategy.

“So, if I’m talking to retirees,” Romney continued, “I lie and say I’ll fight tooth and nail to save Medicare, which causes them to applaud. On the other hand, if I’m talking to the party base, I lie and say we have to cut Medicare, which causes them to applaud. So, you see, my goal here is to get everyone applauding for me, because if everyone is clapping their hands, standing on their feet, and shouting my name, that means they like me and will vote for me.”

Romney’s campaign advisers said that they adopted the strategy of lying a lot after realizing several things: (1) Lying sounds good, especially when the truth sounds bad, (2) the American media doesn’t care if you lie, (3) the American people don’t care if you lie, and (4) it’s okay to lie if you are very, very desperate to become the president of the United States.

“If we’re going to be carried into the White House, it’s going to have to be on a wave of lies,” Romney campaign manager Matt Rhoades said. “Most important, Mitt is comfortable when he is lying because then he doesn’t have to say anything bad. And in this last month it’s important that we just let Mitt be Mitt, whoever the hell that is.”

rest of the story at http://www.theonion.com/articles/romney-proudly-explains-how-hes-turned-campaign-ar,29845/?ref=auto

[Marge_Innavera]

Naked, Tied-Up Paul Ryan Tells Staff He Can’t Prepare For Debate Unless They Slap Him Harder
October 10, 2012 | ISSUE 48•41 | More News

(Photo here; NSFW)

DANVILLE, KY—Lying fully nude with his wrists and ankles tied to the corners of his hotel room bed, an intense, sweat-drenched Paul Ryan reportedly told his staffers today that the only way he could prepare for Thursday night’s vice-presidential debate was if they slapped his naked, bound body harder and harder.

Sources confirmed the GOP vice-presidential nominee had brought in a specially-trained debate coach named Madame Renee, a fiercely conservative dominatrix dressed in a form-fitting black corset and thigh-high pleather platform boots, to provide the debate preparation he requested, ranging from heavy paddling, to rope bondage, to discipline lessons, to employing a testicle-clamping device known simply as “the Humbler.”

“Slap my face as hard as you can and tell me how much you want bigger government,” the bound Wisconsin congressman is said to have shouted through gritted teeth as his aides recited Obama budget proposals, which he then rebutted with conservative talking points between screams of “more” and “faster.” “Oh, God, yes, tell me what loopholes we have to close for our tax plan to remain revenue neutral! Tell me the loopholes!”

“Harder!” Ryan is said to have commanded, his body red and battered from hours of being struck with a studded riding crop. “Make me cry.”  According to sources, Ryan then insisted that aides rake their fingernails across his chest and spit in his face while calling him a “filthy liberal slut.”

Read the rest at http://www.theonion.com/articles/naked-tiedup-paul-ryan-tells-staff-he-cant-prepare,29872/ (if you dare

[Marge_Innavera]

Anonymous Source Informs Bob Woodward He Hasn't Been Relevant In 40 Years
News in Brief • news media • News • ISSUE 49•09 • Feb 28, 2013

WASHINGTON—Investigative journalist Bob Woodward announced Thursday that he’s received credible information from an anonymous source confirming that Woodward hasn’t been a relevant force in American journalism in 40 years.

“Though I cannot divulge his name, I can tell you that he’s an extremely reliable, high-level government source, and thus far everything he’s told me about how I’m no longer a salient or even particularly respected journalistic figure completely checks out,” Woodward told reporters, describing a late-night parking garage rendezvous in which the Washington Post editor was purportedly told to “follow the writing.”

http://www.theonion.com/articles/anonymous-source-informs-bob-woodward-he-hasnt-bee,31481/

[Marge_Innavera]

from the folks who brought you the Edsel, the midiskirt and New Coke:

Malicious Focus Group Convinces Marketers Cinnamon Mountain Dew Is The Next Big Thing

PURCHASE, NY—Following the saboteur antics of a prankster focus group that reportedly convinced company officials the drink was not only palatable but delicious, PepsiCo announced Thursday the launch of its new Mountain Dew CinnaBlast beverage. “CinnaBlast absolutely tested through the roof!” said vice president of marketing Brad Sheets, unaware the enthusiasm expressed by the ill-intentioned group of consumer taste-testers was wholly and deliberately misleading.

“They were saying, ‘This is delicious—keep the cinnamon coming!’ And that’s exactly what we did. They also had some great ideas we may try out in the future, like adding nutmeg, putting some cloves in there, or encouraging people to drink it hot.”

Reached for comment, members of the spiteful focus group admitted they had almost recommended PepsiCo use a jingle built around Lou Bega’s “Mambo No. 5,” but ultimately decided that would be going too far.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/malicious-focus-group-convinces-marketers-cinnamon,32349/    (includes video)