Bring your humor here.....an email I received today.....

[fritzkep]

Very good, all of y'all! 

[richchan]

I Heard Him Trying To Break In...

I ran to the cabinet grabbed my automatic, slammed the clip in and chambered a round. I was scared as I snuck down the hall to the back door.

I also grabbed a flashlight.

I opened the door as quietly and as slowly as I could.

I tiptoed to the side of the house where I heard him still working on the screen.

I turned the corner and put the flashlight and gun in his face.

I yelled, “hands up!” as he turned to face me



Click Link:

http://www.davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=29052.msg1211246#msg1211246

[richchan]

A friend of mine just sent this to me and I had to share it:




Rick
(Richchan)

[doodler]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a
doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten
dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

[doodler]

 
1 Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
 
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."
 
 
3. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
 
 
4. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says,
"A beer please, and one for the road."
 
 
5. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this
taste funny to you?"
 
 
6. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
 
 
7. An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
to look at.
 
 
8. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
 
 
9. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
 
"But why," they asked
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open
foyer."
 
 
10. A woman had twins and gave them up for adoption. One of them went
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other went to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself
to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband
that she wished she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
 
 
11. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of
 calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him ... A super calloused fragile mystic
hexed by halitosis.
 
 
12. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to
his friends hoping that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

[desertrat]

ouch. i died. too much laughing. 

[gnash]

LOL. thanks for all the good jokes lately.  

bathroom grafitti:  DYSLEXICS UNTIE! 



i dunno if i posted these pics yet:

   

[huntinbuddy]

Probably a bit more raunchy than most I've seen here, but hell, it is the humor thread!

***********************************

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

[huntinbuddy]

One more crude one for tonight.....

*********************************

A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."

The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."

"What?" asks the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrot. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch."

[huntinbuddy]

Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner. 
Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.

"Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don't fix it the food will go bad." Kate said.
Paul yells back, "Who do I look like the GE man, I Don't think so."

A little while later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it's out."
"Who do I look like an electrician, I don't think so, " Paul says.

A few minutes later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it."
Paul quickly replies, "Who do I look like a carpenter, I don't think so."

Frustrated, he gets up and leaves. He decides to go to a bar down the road.
After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home.

He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed. He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed.
He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.

Paul sees his wife and says, "Babe, how did you fix all this."
She looked at him and said, "Well after you left I began to cry on the porch.
A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help.

He fixed everything. I asked him what I could do for payment.

He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him."
Paul says, "Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
Kate looks at him and replies, "Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I don't think so!"

[fritzkep]

          

   

[doodler]

    The GWB Library

    The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages.  You'll want to be the first at your corporation to make a contribution to this great man's legacy.

    The Library will include:
        The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
        The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you can't remember anything.
        The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't have to even show up.
        The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.
        The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.
        The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room (which no one has been able to find).
        The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.
        The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with  shooting gallery.

    Plans also include:
        The K-Street Project Gift Shop - where you can buy (or just steal) an election.
        The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.

    There will be an entire floor devoted to a 7/8 scale model of the President's ego.

    The book stacks containing the President's favorite books - he will finish coloring in them before the library opens.

    To highlight the President's accomplishments, the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate them.

    When asked, President Bush said that he didn't care so much about the individual exhibits as long as his museum was better than his father's.

[royandronnie]

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psycho Path.

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It!         

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids…

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.


21. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

22. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes: Whack, Damn!
A Bad Skydiver Goes: Damn! Whack.

 
 

"Never argue with an idiot;
he'll drag you down to his level
and beat you with experience."
 

[michaelflanagansf]

I have a cashier at Trader Joe's who I trade jokes with.  He had a good one today (hope I don't offend anyone's political sensibilities - it didn't offend mine, and it's my candidate):

Chelsea Clinton comes back to the hotel after being on the road and tells her mother: 'I've just met the most wonderful man!  I think he might be the one - I've really fallen for him.'

Hilary is a bit worried and asks: 'You aren't having sex with him, are you?'

Chelsea replies 'Not according to dad.'

[huntinbuddy]

Thanks Michael, I love it!