Bring your humor here.....an email I received today.....

[ybwc]

since winter is kinda still around (oi) yes we had snow today.
I heard someone recently saw Frosty the Snowman at the grocery store in the vegetable aisle picking his nose.
groaning permitted

true story:
Many years ago, I decided I was gonna cut a friend's lawn one time during the summer. problem was I needed to borrrow another friend's truck to bring my lawnmower over to do it.  My buddy with the truck said sure, my blue pickup's out front of the house the keys are in it, go for it and talk to you sometime later.
So there I go sure enough the truck's out front of the house, keys are there and I'm off. Picked up the lawnmower and I'm off to get the job done.
Job's done a  couple of hours later and I return the truck to the spot out front of the house. I notice my buddy's neighbour across the street coming out of her house and standing on the front porch looking at me. So bein' neighbourly, I go, hi how are you?. She said youre lucky I don't call the cops on you. I said well why would you do that? She said because you took my husband's truck. lucky for you he isn't home from work. Low and behold I turn and look in the driveway of my buddy and his truck is parked there, not on the street. I inadvertly took the wrong "blue" truck with the keys in it. Fortunately she was gracious about it all.

[killersmom]

I'm sorry, but this tickled my funnybone...........not sure why! 

[CANSTANDIT]

I've had some really good laughs over here, today, thanks.

[doodler]

       Male Strippers

        Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.   
        When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

        Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

        In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about       
        the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

        Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now every-one's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on
        to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.

        What could I do?

        The woman in me took over!

        I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks,and left!!!

[doodler]

*Theft Problem IMPORTANT MESSAGE:*

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.

            My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.

            My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

            Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?

            When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?

*THIS IS NOT A HOAX*. This is happening to women everywhere every night.

*WARN YOUR FRIENDS!*

            *P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

[ingmarnicebbmt]

I'm sorry, but this tickled my funnybone...........not sure why! 

Well - I can see perfectly why! 

[doodler]

Two West Virginia mountain boys, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tard of goin' through life without an education. Tomorrow I thank I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's zat?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.

He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's zat?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Yore queer, ain't cha Bob."

[doodler]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a tall Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was friends."

[doodler]

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks THE question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: " Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed? "

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WI FE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence ------

HUSBAND: "Shit."

[gnash]

doodler, thanks SO much for the laughs! ^_^

"shit"  LOL.

[fritzkep]

As a matter of fact, Earl just sent me this email:


2008 Republican Convention Agenda

7:00 pm - Opening Constitution Burning Ceremony

7:15 pm - Pledge of Allegiance to the N.R.A.

7:20 pm - Jenna and sister, Barbara Bush propose a toast

7:25 pm - Religious Right Prayer and Blessing with Pat Robertson and Ted Haggard

7:45 pm - Ceremonial Congressional Page Hugging led by Mark Foley

7:55 pm - Larry Craig proposes a bathroom break

8:00 pm - Free Beer Bust provided by Beer Heiress Cindi McCain

8:35 pm - Jenna and sister, Barbara Bush proposes a toast. Daddy, George sneaks a couple of sips.

8:40 pm - "My Beautiful Mind" - Presidential Mother, Barbara Bush honors Our Troops.

8:45 pm - "This is Working Very Well for Them" - Presidential Mother, Barbara Bush honors Katrina Refugees.

9:00 pm - Halliburton Stockholders Rally and No-Bid Contract Signing hosted by Dick Cheney

11:00 pm - Jenna and sister, Barbara Bush propose a toast. Daddy, George sneaks a couple of more sips.

11:05 pm - Collection for the Alzheimer's Wives Fund - Nancy Reagan and Cindi McCain

11:15 pm - "Water Boarding and Torture is Fun" - Donald Rumsfeld

11:30 pm - Oval Office Affairs - Condi Rice

11:45 pm - Jenna and sister, Barbara Bush propose a toast. Daddy, George sneaks a couple of glasses.

11:50 pm - "How to Rig Elections" - Kathryn Harris and Ken Blackwell

12:15 am - "Truth in Broadcasting Award' - Presented to Bill O'Reilly by Rush Limbaugh

12:25 am - Jenna and sister, Barbara Bush propose a toast. Daddy, George sneaks a tray of glasses.

12:30 am - Satellite address by Exxon/Mobil CEO - Rex W. Tillerson

12:45 am - Name of John McCain submitted for Nomination by John McCain.

12:50 am - Speech and Toast by White House news conference plant, Jeff Gannon to the "Great Orator"- 'Dubya' Bush.

12:55 am - RNC Leaders proposes a toast to the 10 Million Illegal Aliens and their cheap labor.

1:00 am - Karl Rove proposes the elimination of the Democratic Process.

1:10 am - RNC Presidential Nominee Election Process abolished.

1:15 am - Coronation of George W. Bush

1:30 am - George W. Bush cerebrates by climbing on a table and stripping.

1:35 am - John McCain tells Laura Bush to drive George home and not to worry about the stop signs.
 

[CellarDweller115]

 A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a  beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place  where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God,  are you the stripper from my bachelor party that  I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my ass???"





She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

[fritzkep]

            

[fritzkep]

Who is Jack Schitt?

For some time, many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt.  We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'you don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my genealogical efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.  Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N Schitt, Inc.  They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.  The deeply religious couple produced six children:  Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. 

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.  Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.  She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.  Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.  The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.  The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.  He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW, when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt.

[huntinbuddy]