Bring your humor here.....an email I received today.....

[chapeaugris]

How many record execs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

First of all, before we change anything, is the light bulb really burned out? Maybe we just need to breathe some life into it; repackage it, maybe the light bulb could do a duet with somebody (Sheryl Crow? Tim McGraw?) in hopes of getting some crossover appeal, maybe it could be in a beer commercial, maybe we could get it out on the road with a brighter light bulb. The other thing to think about is that this summer, Honda is rolling out a 100 Million dollar campaign for a new car aimed at thirty-somethings who consider themselves adventurous/spontaneous but can't really afford something like a luxury S.U.V. and it might be a perfect campaign to tie this light bulb into, at least it would be the perfect demographic, in terms of age.

Also, and this is just an idea: what if we found out what video games are being released in the third quarter and maybe pitched the idea of having our light bulb make an appearance in the video game at some certain level of completion; like, you get to a dark cave, let's say, if it's an adventure game, and if you have enough points you can get the light bulb - and it would be our light bulb, obviously - and then it's easier to see in the cave. The other thing is this: worst-case scenario the light bulb is, in fact, burned out. Is that really the end of the world? I mean, maybe that's actually of more value to us in the long run: Picture this for voice over: "The light bulb is dead. . . but the legend lives on. . . re-released, re-mastered, revealed. . . the light bulb. . . IN STORES NOW." It almost makes more sense than taking the time changing it, plus, if it's dead we can sell it without dealing with it, you know what I mean? No demands from it, no hotels, no road expense, no delays in the project from its end, etc. But, like I said, I'm just thinking off the top of my head here, just brainstorming, and none of this is written in stone. But the first thing we should do is figure out how we want to handle this, because the light bulb's manager is a total nightmare and we're going to have to take a meeting and listen to him sooner or later, and we should know what our plan is before we sit down with him. And let me tell you right now that the first thing out of his mouth is going to be, "This light bulb should be the brightest light bulb in the world, and it could be the brightest light bulb in the world, but you need to support the light bulb, you need to give the light bulb TV ads, you need to be more active in giving the light bulb tour support, we need to have some promotion from your end!" and on and on. And in that meeting, if you're in it, the only answer from our side should be that we're obviously very excited to be working with the light bulb, that we don't think it needs to be changed, that the only problem is people haven't seen how bright the light bulb could be, and our plan is to do everything we can to make this light bulb happen.

I'll send out an email to everyone before the meeting to remind people of our position on this, but the bottom line is we don't have the budgets right now, and basically we need to see something happening with the light bulb before we go throwing good money after bad, but obviously we can't have the light bulb's manager hearing that. I can tell you all that I'm personally very excited to be working with the light bulb, I think it will light up very brightly, and we're not going to stop working the light bulb, in whatever ways budgets will permit, until it does, in fact, light up very brightly. . . the light bulb is a very big priority for us from the top of the company to the bottom. Period. We can talk more about this when I am back from Barbados next week, and I'm going to need everybody's help on this. I know we can do it, but we need everybody working hard.

– From Rock On by Dan Kennedy

[magicmountain]

I received the following email today. Too good not to share!

It just wouldn't be the same if the whole world spoke just one language, now would it?

[fritzkep]

Great signs and names, some inadvertent, some intentional! 

[michaelflanagansf]

Did you hear why Michael Jackson had to quit the cub scouts?

He was up to a pack a day!

[killersmom]

^^^^^^  ewwwww Michael!! 

[michaelflanagansf]

^^^^^^  ewwwww Michael!! 

I get some of my best/worst jokes from my patrons at the library! 

[fritzkep]

Foil hats rule!

[killersmom]

I get some of my best/worst jokes from my patrons at the library! 

I thought that might be where you got it!

[doodler]

New pictures of Clinton and Bush as "first mate"

[doodler]

To all my friends who in 2007 sent me

best 'wishes', chain letters, 'angel' letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something,

NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKED!.

For 2008, could you please just send money, BEER, chocolate, movie tickets or gasoline vouchers and airline tickets instead?


Thank you!

[gnash]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dkYZ6rbPU2M

hah!!! food court diners get a surprise!!

[killersmom]

I love it Jimmy!!!
Just like the 250 people freezing in place for 5 minutes in Grand Central Station..
Way cool!!!!

[richchan]

Martha Vs Maxine

Martha’s Way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Maxine’s Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake! You’re probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

Martha’s Way:  To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Maxine’s Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha’s Way:  When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Maxine’s Way: Go to the bakery! They’ll even decorate it for you.

Martha’s Way:  If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant “fix-me-up.”
Maxine’s Way: If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too bad. Please recite with me the real woman’s motto: “I made it and you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes!”

Martha’s Way: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Maxine’s Way: Celery? Never heard of it!

Martha’s Way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Maxine’s Way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don’t.

Martha’s Way: Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Maxine’s Way: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

Martha’s Way: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Maxine’s Way: Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

Martha’s Way: Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Maxine’s Way: Leftover wine?? HEL-LO !!!!!

[richchan]

Only in America

1.  Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2.  Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3.  Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4.  Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5.  Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6.  Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7.  Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
8.  Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9.  Only in America......do we use the word “politics” to describe the process so well: “Poli” in Latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “bloodsucking creatures.”
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with  Braille lettering.

[richchan]

Alcohol in the Pulpit


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After Mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

The next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after Mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as “the late J. C.”

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as “Daddy, Junior and the Spook.”

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say “he was stoned off his ass.”

10. We do not refer to the cross as “The Big T.”

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”

12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry.”

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.”

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.