Bring your humor here.....an email I received today.....

[gnash]

Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation: jerking off, wanking, spanking the monkey, and so on, there weren't any common terms for female masturbation.

"I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women.

"But that's just a feminization of 'jacking off,'" said the first.

"You're right," said another. "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it."

The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, there's only one thing I call it."

"What's that?"

"Finishing the job."


..................


There was a husband and a wife who had a very good sex life.. at least the wife thought so. The only problem with it was that the husband always had to have the lights off when they made love. So one day the wife decides to suprise him and turns the lights on in the middle of it. She realizes her husband is using a cucumber! She asks him if this is what he has been using their entire marriage. He replies "Yes." She becomes angry and starts screaming at him, calling him a "stupid cheating bastard." He looks at her and says, "I'm the stupid cheating bastard? Explain our 4 kids!!"


..................


Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."


..................


While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and  took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the beer and said, "The curlers are on me."

[killersmom]

The Cowboy's Horse

There was this cowboy and he had been riding his horse across the great plains on his way to California nonstop. Both he and his horse had gone days without sleep. As he rode in to one of the few towns on his trip he decided to stop in at the saloon and get a shot of whiskey to satisfy his thirst. As he got off his horse he realized that since his horse had not slept in a few days it might fall asleep now that they had finally stoped and it might take a few hours to wake his horse up.

He grabbed this young indian who just happen to be walking by, told him of his predicament, he then asked the indian if he could run back and forth in front of his horse to keep it awake while he was tending his thirst in the bar. The indian agreed. After a few drinks the cowboy forgot about the trip as he made friends and drank down round after round in the bar. As the hours passed a cowboy entered the front door of the saloon and asked who owned the brown and white horse out front. The cowboy who owned the horse said "I do, so what about it?" Well replied the cowboy you left your Injin' running

[doodler]

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000
 
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000
 
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
 
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.
 
 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
 


Now think about this:
 
 Guns
 
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.  (Yes, that's 80 million..)
 
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
 
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.000188
 
Statistics courtesy of the FBI
 
 
 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
 
So, statistically, doctors are approximately
 
9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
 
 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
 
So, remember, 'Guns don't kill people, Doctors do.'
 
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
 
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
 
>>>>>! >> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
 
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.  We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!
 
 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 
Out of concern for the public at large, we have withheld the statistics on lawyers.
for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!

[doodler]

2007 Bulwer Lytton Fiction Contest, "a whimsical literary competition that challenges entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels." From the crap of the crop:

Children's Literature runner-up
Mary had a little lamb; its fleece was Polartec 200 (thanks to gene splicing, a diet of force-fed petrochemical supplements, and regular dips in an advanced surface fusion polymer), which had the fortunate side effect of rendering it inedible, unlike that other Mary's organic lamb which misbehaved at school and wound up in a lovely Moroccan stew with dried apricots and couscous.
---Julie Jensen/Lodi, CA
-

Vile Puns winner
I was in a back alley in Fiji, fighting desperately and silently for my life, fighting desperately for oxygen, clawing at the calm and almost gentle pressure of the fabric held over my face by implacable, ebony thighs when I realized -- he was killing me softly with his sarong.
---Karl Scott/Brisbane, Australia
-

Miscellaneous dishonorable mention
"I'll have a pack of cigarettes please, no, Marlboro 100's . . . lights please, in a box, yeah, no, wait, give me a soft pack, no, not those, the ones right above them, no, no, right next to those, yeah, wait, make it two packs, no wait, how much are they . . . no, one pack will do me, and a lighter please, no the other one, yeah, that one will be fine," he said quickly.
---Shane Spears/Blytheville, AR
-

Grand Prize
Gerald began--but was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him ten percent of his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a ten-mile radius of the eruption, not that it mattered much because for them "permanently" meant the next ten minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash--to pee.
---Jim Gleeson/Madison, WI

[huntinbuddy]

A man was in a long line at Walmart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?'

The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants.
He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom,

'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.

When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen
was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live
female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.? She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said....


'Cleanup, Register 5'

[huntinbuddy]

[huntinbuddy]

CHINESE SICK LEAVE:

 

'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'
 
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house.'
 
 

[doodler]

A rancher goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so he can increase his stock.

The transaction is made and the banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how 
his investment is doing.

The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows.

The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.
 
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.   

The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even
serviced all my neighbor's cows!"   

"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"   

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.   

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.   

"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

[doodler]

[doodler]

The Pacific  Northwest According To Jeff Foxworthy:

1. You know  the state flower (mildew).
2. You feel guilty  throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash
3. Use  the statement "sun break" and know what it means.
4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
5. You  know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant or to
church.
7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain  waiting for the "WALK"
signal.
8. You  consider that if it has no snow, or has not recently erupted,
it's not a real mountain.
9. You can taste the  difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and
Veneto's.
10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye
11. You know how to  pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Haceta, Yaquina,
Yachats, Issaquah,  Oregon, Yakima and Willamette.
12. You consider  swimming an indoor sport.
13. You can tell the  difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai
food.
14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark,
while only working eight-hour days.
15. You  never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
16. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain,"
and  "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."
17. You have no concept of humidity without  precipitation.
18. You know that Boring is a town in  Oregon and not just a state of
mind.
19. You can  point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see
through the cloud cover.
20. You notice, "The mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you
can actually see it.
21. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but
still wear your hiking boots and parka.
22. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but  keep the
socks on.
23. You  have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
24. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or  tourists.
25. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old
ones after such a long  time.
26. You measure distance in hours.
27. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same  day.
28. You design your kid's Halloween costume to  fit under a raincoat.
29. You know all the important  seasons: almost winter, winter, still
raining (spring), road  Cconstruction (summer), deer & elk season
(fall).
30. You understood these jokes and will probably forward them.

[nova]

Dieting??

Here's an email a fat guy at work sent me the other day..............



Q&A ON DIET ADVICE


Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this
true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of
vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: HELL NO, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled
wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get
even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be
bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be d oing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets.

And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a
Ride"

[doodler]

Following are the top 10 comments made by sports commentators - mostly
British - that they would like to take back.


1. Weightlifting commentator at the women's Olympic Snatch and Jerk
event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning
during her warm up, and it was amazing!"


2. Ted Walsh, horse racing commentator: "This is really a lovely horse,
and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."


3. Grand Prix Race announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly
unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to
the one in front of the similar one in  back."


4. Greg Norman, pro golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my
mother and father."


5. Ringside boxing analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even
some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."


6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we
can expect the same thing again."


7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't
like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."


8. At a trophy ceremony, BBC TV boat race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice,
the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."


9. Metro Radio, college football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's
like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."


10. U.S. Open TV commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is
playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out
his balls and kisses them ... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

[doodler]

Indian Tribe Name

 

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the Doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however."

"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"

"Well, you have no nipples."

"None of the people in my tribe has nipples," she replied.

"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Dakota Journal of Medicine if you don't mind.

She said, "OK."

"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"

She answered, "Approximately 500."

"And what is the name of your tribe?" Asked the doctor.

Running Doe replied, "We're called ....





(You know me, I hate to do this to you)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(I really do hate to do this to you)

 

 

 

 

 

 


The Indiannippleless Five Hundred

[john john]

OMG!!!!!!!!

You can do it anytime Doodler!

[doodler]

I'm asking everyone to stop emailing me as I keep getting bugs. I'm returning the last one here.