Celebrating one year of Brokeback Mountain.........Jay63
How did you first find out about Brokeback Mountain?I stumbled upon the trailer on the net in September '05, and was absolutely hooked from that moment on. Brilliant marketing - I was desperate to see what came after that first reunion hug, and had to wait a long time before being rewarded. I think I decided at that moment I'd been alone damned well long enough!
Had you read the story before you saw the movie?No, but after seeing the trailer I purchased a copy of Close Range, and proceeded to read and re-read BBM. It is now completely tattered and dog-eared, and all marked up with notes in the margins. The intensity of reading the short story was somehow different than seeing the film, but added immeasurably to seeing the film. If I had just happened onto the film like some folks here - I might have had a stroke. Reading it first prepared me.
When was the first time you saw it?January 16, 2006, and I was completely paranoid about being seen - seeing it. I even drove to a theater some distance away. This seems so dumb in retrospect, but I needed room. I was not out yet - had barely admitted to myself that I was gay.
It was a small crowd, and I was not the only guy that rushed to exit the theater in tears. The soul searching began in earnest that evening, and continues even to today.
How many times have you seen the movie?Five times in the theater, and about as many on DVD at home. I had to put it aside last fall to have "some space between" myself and the film - to gather strength for real life. I have seen only a few films since Brokeback, and I used to go to the theater three or four times a month. No other film can match the effect this ONE has had.
Did you get any people to go with you? How many?For my fifth viewing last March, I tagged along to see it with a good female friend, and a friend of her's - and outed myself for the first time. They were very sweet and sympathetic, but were obviously not as moved by BBM as I was. I just needed to have someone I knew alongside me while seeing it again. I was damned tired of going to movies alone, and vowed I never would again.
Which character did you most identify with?ENNIS, ENNIS, ENNIS!!! Shit - I even dressed like him, though I grew up on a farm, I was no cowboy. It was the way he kept himself bottled up, choking on his words. His self-denial. Seeing him in the last scene was a reality check for me. I was living in a trailer of sorts, but had no one to come visit or remember fondly, achingly.
What lesson/message did you get from the story/movie? That Love is simply Love.........whomever you fall for, you have to listen to your instincts and act on them - the rest of the world can go to hell. I've spent too much time worrying what others might think.
Where was your life when you first saw the movie? Where is it now?It sends a shiver up my spine now, thinking of who I was just a year ago. I was unwell in mind, body and spirit. Overweight by 150 pounds, health problems starting to set in, almost completely isolated from friends , family and the outside world, a slave to my work, but unfulfilled in it. In complete turmoil about being gay. I felt dead inside, and was contemplating suicide. Not good, not good.
In contrast - TODAY, I began my day with a vigorous 1.5 hour workout (I go to the gym 3 times per week), I weighed-in 85 pounds lighter, and expect to achieve my goal late this year. I am MUCH healthier, I eat a responsible diet. It has been remarkably easy getting to this point once I realized that all the fatty, sugary food in the world could never fill the void left by what was missing in my life.....having someONE to experience life WITH. Happily, I have found that someone I think, and we live walking distance from each other. Though we have not yet made that last leap into each other's arms, we spend time together every week, and we are grateful for each other's company. He is incredibly sweet and talented. He was my date at a big Christmas party full of friends.
Everyone was great. I can not believe my good fortune - my life is becoming what it should have been all along!
How did you first find the Dave Cullen Forum?I too made a mad dash for Google once I'd seen the film. I HAD to find out more about this "one curve in the road" I'd just experienced.
I believe very strongly, that if not for Brokeback Mountain and This Forum, I very well may not have been here today to write this. Thank you to EVERYONE involved. I am so very grateful.
When did you first join the forum?January 20th, 2006. I put aside my fears and joined-up, though it was some time before I ventured forth with an open-hearted post.
What made you join?There was no turning back once I'd experienced the film - the thick skin developed over decades was torn away and I was now a bleeding, shivering wreck. I began reaching out for the help that was so despirately needed, and thankfully found it here on The forum and in real life. I have learned SO MUCH in so short a time. I turned myself over to it completely and thought of it as my therapy. Thanks are owed to too many to list here, though I do wish to acknowledge Neatfreak and her healing music compilations inspired my Brokeback. I look forward to meeting more of you fine people in Estes Park, and in my travels.
Do you remember your first post?I think my first timid post was to add a thought to the Postcard Campaign - thanking all the people that made Brokeback a reality - especially Annie Proulx. How can I ever thank them enough? By LIVING, and being the person The Maker made me to be... THAT'S HOW!
Love to all.
Jay
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