Surviving Abuse - The Effects & Recovery

[TwistsBitch]

Annabel, I - and probably most others on this thread - can tell there is a lot to the experience you had & how you reacted to it from what you've written almost as much as what you haven't written about it.  Sorry if that doesn't make sense - I'm talking about reading "inbetween the lines".  Even though the description you've given is brief, and the experience itself might have been relatively brief, there is still an immense amount of feeling invovled.

I had a similar time of my first sexual experience at age 9 & as you mention, often felt it wasn't as bad cos it wasn't rape & was not a repeated incident, but as I've seen others post here - there is no hierachy of pain or trauma, there is no scale on which to judge "oh that's horrendous" or "that's not so bad". 

I also reverted to "normality" immediately following my experience, even making an excuse on behalf of the abuser. It's amazing how effective our self-defence mechanisms can be, too good in a way.  I resented my parents for not noticing something had happened to me.  I tried also to bury it until relationship & sexuality issues came up.  No good comes of burying things that haven't been resolved to at least some degree.  And I don't believe such important things can ever be buried for good, they are scars we bear.  Here we can tell the story of those scars & see if maybe they can heal a bit more.

((( annabel ))) 

[conny]

Annabel twistbitch is so right.
What you have experienced can have just as a heavy impact on the rest of your life as what happend to others.
a friend of mine went trough a similar thing like your at age of 11,and she still(now being 36) suffers from that experience.
She still has not got any realtionship at all,she just don`t let anyone get near her,she never had any sex and has burried most of her emotions.
So yes honey your story is just as bad too!! and thanks for sharing it with us!
(((Hugs)))

[melissasjack]

I wasn't going to write my story because it isn't as bad as all of yours, but it has affected my life since. 

Dear annabel, I bolded this line becuase it is the line that I want you to put out of your head forever....
Its not true...hurts and pain cannot be compared, sweetie, they just are...
so please know you have come to the right place, the place where people will offer you love and hugs and comfort and friendship....and I for one am so glad for you that you felt safe enough to share parts of your story with us.
Take care annabel....
Many hugs,
Melissa

and TB? Many hugs girl....and friendship and admiration for you.

[desertrat]

conny is right ! seemingly "small" things can still have a deep impact (though i don't believe that ANY kind of sexual assault is a "small thing"). how good that you were able to talk about it in couples therapy, i hope that helped !
seeing the amount of sexual assaults here i once again can only notice how important it is to teach our young men (and girls as well) how important the sexual sovereignty of a person is and that NO means NO.

[TwistsBitch]

and TB? Many hugs girl....and friendship and admiration for you.

Thanks sweet M, likewise to you!  I am finding this thread & the "affected" thread quite hard at the moment, but working through it.  You & everyone here are my inspiration 

[annabel]

Wow, everyone here is so supportive, loving and understanding.  Too bad my parents wouldn't have been.  I could NEVER have told them; never did and they're both gone now. 

One positive thing that happened that I forgot to say was I fought really hard, and one of the boys lost a tooth to my boot heel.  It's small justice, but it's all I have.

[mcnell1120]

I just want to let ALL you guys know in here,that even though I haven't been in here,I'm thinking of ya'll and hugging ya tight....keep strong and I'm very proud of all of you guys ,proud for sticking up for yourself now,don't matter if you think you failed in the past...'cuz you guys are all winners...

Love ya

Nellie

[BrokenOkie]

......what i hate most about the whole dredging up of this story that i start feeling like a victim again - something i definitely don't want. sure, i know meanwhile that none of this was my own fault (well, apart maybe from staying with him  ). but i don't want to retreat into self-pity and despair. the important thing to me is that this episode of my life has opened many doors, has forced me to work on issues i would otherwise have kept buried probably forever. it doesn't justify what he did to me, and as i said before, at best i am able right now to feel indifference towards him. but i'm not mad at life/ fate/ the universe any more for doing this to me because it allowed me becomeing another, new person. of course, not every day is good. i'd say about 2/3 of the days are fine now, and my smile is genuine. 1/3 of the days - those are the days i'm still working on 

(((Martina)))   Reliving the past by talking about it can bring those memories and feelings to the surface.  You're looking forward, which is the most important thing you can do for yourself.  Your genuine smile is beautiful and inspiring.  Keep opening those doors, sweetie - there's even more light on the other side.

[BrokenOkie]

(((Annabel)))

(((TB)))





     

[michaelflanagansf]

and one other thing, not only to you, melissa, but to everybody here who has endured abuse and has, resulting form that, or even had already before, self esteem issues: the absolutely BEST thing you can do for yourself is go and get some therapy. if you would have told me that before i would have laughed it off, would have said that i am not nuts and certainly not weak and pathetic enough to need this. but then, when i had to do it, it made the world's difference to me. after a good "basic start" with therapy, i also started reading - there are many good books out there. with many good exercises (yes, that's lots of work, but it's worth it !). take that chance, what can you lose ?

I just wanted to second this - it wasn't till decades after I was abused that I even realized it happened.  I was dealing with depression in the 90s and went into therapy - in the midst of it one of the things I realized was that what happened to me on that bus wasn't just bullying, it was sexual abuse.  And this relates to some of the other comments that have been made here - we bury these feelings deep - often so deeply that we don't even name them till years later.

[Amiennis]

Dear people,

At last, my posting. It is still very difficult for me to talk about this, and my memories are still shattered, all over the place, so the writing might be a little… inconsistent at times. So, please bear with me.
I will post my life story in several parts – it’s just too hard to do it in one take. Hope you’ll understand.
The reason why I want to share it with you, is explaining how I have become the person, the Ennis, I am today, and how BBM is starting to “change” that person, make him want to go out and find out what life is really about, in short: to Live.

I was born an unwanted child. My father always doubted his biological fatherhood. The marriage had really already fallen apart about a year earlier, they were already considering divorce.
My father hated my guts from day one. At two months old, I was in the hospital suffering form serious skin affliction, most probably caused by stress.
The first thing I remember about my father were those terrifying steel-blue eyes hovering above me, radiating nothing but hate and disgust.

I do not exactly recall when the sexual abuse began, but probably (with hindsight) quite early, considering the physical complaints I developed as a young child. It wasn’t just the sexual abuse, the worst part was the sadism that went with it. He actually told me all the time I shouldn’t have been born, was too ugly to ever have been born, so fucking ugly. He told me those things while “abusing” me – I’ll spare you the details of that.

Apart from that, there was the psychological abuse. I’ll give you one example, just to show you what kind of man he was. It’s not a pretty story. As a 4-year old, I had two rabbits. One of them somehow escaped. One day, my father took me outside, with the other rabbit. Right before my eyes, he took the poor innocent thing, cut off its ears (it was still alive) and ripped it to shreds before my very eyes, until nothing was left of it but a bloody mess - which he then threw into the garbage can. All the time looking at me with those eyes.
I was paralysed with fear and grief.
And still partly am, to this day.
And then, always those hints that I was no good, so ugly, shouldn’t have been there in the first place, could never do anything right, etc, etc.

Thirdly, the physical abuse. One example. I was 8 years old. For some reason, in his opinion, I had done “something wrong” again. So, he took my index finger, opened the cellar door, put my finger between the door and the doorpost, closed the door and locked it. My mother came in, screamed and unlocked the door – but the damage had already been done, of course, the top of my finger was half… Well, let’s just say, it healed in the end. I still wonder what she told the doctor.

About my mother: you should now that she as well was terrified of my father. He was always putting her down, calling her stupid, dumb, not looking good enough, etc.
He had a high position in society, with a lot of “friends in high places”, telling her he would take everything from her, including her two children (I have an older brother, who was my father’s favourite).
Nevertheless, it took me over 30 years and a lot of fighting before I was finally able to “forgive” her.

I developed many physical afflictions over the years, from severe skin diseases, inexplainable high fevers, jaundice and an ulcer at age 8, trouble walking, pneumonia, the list goes on and on. And nobody ever understood how such a young child could have such severe "disorders", I remember the doctors saying it.

For the first 8 years, this was more or less what my life was like. I was a prisoner in the concentration camp my “own” father had set up for me, he being the camp bully.
He is what psychiatrists officially call a psychopath – he has all the symptoms.

I will have to stop for now, I’m completely drained.
If my story could be of help to just one person, then…

Thank you.
Marc

[paintedshoes]

Oh, my darling Marc...I can't begin to imagine how you survived, but I am so grateful that you did, for I know you as a gentle and kind man.  Please know that while nothing can erase what was done to you, we can and will, if you allow us, hold you now with all the love you were denied and which you always deserved.  My friend.  My brother.

[desertrat]

you did it ! and i have no clue what to say now. those last days were so much a "build-up" to this moment...i just hope you can feel the same kind of relief that i did.
i can only second what jackie said. you have won the biggest victory against your father already - by becoming the wonderful person you are. lots of hugs & love to you.

[fritzkep]

Marc, bless you for sharing your pain with us. I cannot say that it will get easier after sharing, though it might. You are always in my prayers, and I am holding your hand during this difficult time.

[conny]

Marc,so proud of you!!!!!!
((((marc))))