How Brokeback affected me

[Basqueboy]

Today I had lunch with my sister. I had previously refused an invitation to have lunch with mom and some other friends who were celebrating carnival. I wanted to be alone with her and have the chance of a deep talk. And the reason for that is, again, BBM and this forum. I read last night the wonderful post sent by Brokaholic and it made me think: "What the heck! Why shouldn't I to be open with the people I love? Why should I be ashamed of anything?" And that post with its answers, along with the scenes of BBM took away my fear (which wasn't a very big one, but wouldn't let me be unafraid about it) and I decided that it was about time to come out to her. Which I did. And I feel great! She wasn't the least surprised, since she had been wondering what it was that was happening to me with BBM; she has confessed to me that the idea of me being gay had popped to her mind lately, but that she would have it dismissed if I hadn't told her the truth.

In the aftermath, she has told me something no one else knows about. She split up with her husband some 6 years ago, and I think she still founds some love in her for him. But she has been suspicious for the longest time that her ex-husband could be also gay, like Ennis not knowing how to speak to himself and avoiding acceptance of the truth. She has told me so with a flood of tears in her eyes while she expressed how sorry she felt for Alma when she sees Ennis and Jack kissing each other.

All this has made us think how terrible is to live carrying our lies on our backs and how refreshing, alleviating and just wonderful is to be truthful always, which, apart from the fact of not having told her that I was gay, is what we have been to  each other for ages.

I just feel that BBM has made a better person of me, happier and more trusting. The only trick is that I wish I knew how to quit it. Thanks a lot Heath, Jake, Ang, Annie, Larry and Diana. I love you all!

[MarkC]

I decided that it was about time to come out to her. Which I did. And I feel great!

Fantastic Basqueboy!  I am extremely happy for you!  Thanks for sharing this with us.

[MarkC]

MeJack (or Paul)

I have stopped coming to this board for BBM information.
Now, I come periodically to see if you have posted another touching beautiful story from your life.

Hoping to be moved again by you.

Thanks,
MarkC

[twtplanner]

I just returned from my 5th trip to see BBM.  It had been several weeks since the previous time and I'm really surprised at my reaction.  Knowing everything that was coming, I still teared up and sniffled.  Man...this movie can work you over.

Because of the earlier viewings, I was able to watch more of the supporting cast and settings and such and recognized my growing up years even more.  While high plains or northwest Oklahoma is clearly void of the Rocky Mountains,  it's full of small towns, all with incredible blue skies, ranchers, cowboys, oilies, and honky-tonks, along with no nonsense and very sensible women.  Growing up in such a place really lets me relate to this story.

This is my first post on this great board - thanks Dave, etal! - and after reading so many posts and reactions, there certainly is nothing I can add at this late date.  I guess it's just that this story creates the need to reach out and talk about thoughts and feelings I've sat on so many years, and the idea that I sometimes slip into "Ennis Mode" is eye-opening and, well, very scary.

If nothing else, I'm glad to have this movie kick me in the butt and stir me up some, no matter how uncomfortable the self examination may be.  I don't want to be alone in some trailer out on the front range (which of course can occur in the middle of Manhattan), or be a "damaged" jerk (Dave will know what I mean...insert sheepish look....lol). 

So I guess I'm just sitting here rambling toward a conclusion, thinking about some of the things I've taken with me from this story: get a move on, take risks, put myself out there, and most importantly, be open and welcoming, and true hearted.

tt

[jakeb2]

...I guess it's just that this story creates the need to reach out and talk about thoughts and feelings I've sat on so many years...

If nothing else, I'm glad to have this movie kick me in the butt and stir me up some, no matter how uncomfortable the self examination may be.  I don't want to be alone in some trailer out on the front range (which of course can occur in the middle of Manhattan), or be a "damaged" jerk (Dave will know what I mean...insert sheepish look....lol). 

So I guess I'm just sitting here rambling toward a conclusion, thinking about some of the things I've taken with me from this story: get a move on, take risks, put myself out there, and most importantly, be open and welcoming, and true hearted.

tt

  Me thinks this is one of the great characteristics of this film.  It makes you think beyond the story itself and motivates you to take a look at yourself which can be very nostalgic (whether good or bad).  It's a "what could have been" kind of effect.

[bbmykel]

Hi,

I'm a longtime lurker who finally figured out how to post.  I just got to see BBM for the ninth time a week ago, but it was special since I lured my best friend to go (finally).  She had been hesitant to see it over the holidays as she knew it was sad and the holidays are already a depressing time for her.  But with the holidays dispatched, we set out and I got to see my boys in the mountains once more!

Well, she loved it, and, not surprisingly, was haunted by it.  She was unable to sleep and sent me a long email about how she couldn't stop thinking of Ennis and she thanked me for taking her.  That was pretty unprecedented as I would not describe her as a "movie person";  I think she enjoys them on occasion but rarely initiates or suggests an outing to the cineplex.  She, in turn, has encouraged all her co-workers and friends to rush out to see it.

I'm hoping to make it a tenth time sometime next week as my pseudo-mom is anxious to go.  I think the only film I saw more often in the theaters was Fiddler on the Roof (which also made me cry buckets) way back when I was eleven (Hmmm, I wonder if my folks had any early clues to my sexual orientation? ).

Of course, as I joked with my friend, BBM is right in my "sweet spot" with movies because I've always loved the ones that make me cry.  Doomed love is just the best  .   I think I'm addicted to the catharsis; it's nice to know I can feel something.  In real life, I'm pretty emotionally repressed.

Ang Lee in particular must have my number because he's gotten me twice before:  the character of Eleanor Dashwood in 'Sense & Sensibility' is maybe a cousin under the skin to Ennis Del Mar.  Eleanor allows propriety to rule her behavior and can't even admit her love for Edward to her sister ("I greatly esteem him.").  And when her love is denied by Edward's promise to another, she accepts it with enough resignation and stoicism that even Ennis might admire.  But, because this is a Jane Austen story after all, Edward becomes available to her and comes to her to propose. Well this scene destroys me every time.  Emma Thompson is just so raw and naked in her emotion.   As someone who's come to terms with spinsterhood, it's doubly powerful I think.

And then of course there's 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' where Li Mu Bai uses his last breath  to tell Yu Shu Lien that he's always loved her. 

But Mr. Lee has outdone himself this time as watching BBM is like all those scenes times ten  (plus I don't have to do any gender translation; I get to watch two beautiful men in love).   I love every scene and every moment in this beautiful film and I'm so thankful to have this obsession.  I've also enjoyed all of the postings here sharing everyone else's stories.  Thank you so much for adding to this great experience.

Mike

[paintedshoes]

Today I had lunch with my sister...<snip> I decided that it was about time to come out to her.

Basqueboy,  I am so happy for you, and pleased at how accepting your sister was of you.  Thank you for sharing this with us.

Peace and hugs, friend.
Jackie

[paintedshoes]

I posted this on the "Frequent Flyer" thread a few minutes ago, but I think it belongs here as well:

"I just returned from seeing "Brokeback Mountain" for the 14th time.  I am still in it's thrall, a feeling of peace, somehow.  I've become so saturated by the film that I sometimes feel that I must give off some kind of lovely fragrance."

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

[BillN]

I posted this on the "Frequent Flyer" thread a few minutes ago, but I think it belongs here as well:

"I just returned from seeing "Brokeback Mountain" for the 14th time.  I am still in it's thrall, a feeling of peace, somehow.  I've become so saturated by the film that I sometimes feel that I must give off some kind of lovely fragrance."

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

PS, congrats on 14, and I think I can smell the fragrance from here. When I've gone I think the fragrance was probably of popcorn or red vines, but that is another story.

[paintedshoes]

PS, congrats on 14, and I think I can smell the fragrance from here. When I've gone I think the fragrance was probably of popcorn or red vines, but that is another story.

The bad, imitation butter gags me every time, Bill.

[mountain boy]

Hey everybody you gotta go check out DFWRichNYC's group photo of all of us at Brokeback!

And if you haven't posted us a photo of yourself over there, go do it!

[KJ]

I've been meaning to post on this thread since there were just a few pages. It has meant a lot to me to read these moving stories of people so affected by Brokeback Mountain.  I imagine this will be a long winded post so i will apologize for it in advance.

 Brokeback affected me over 3 months ago when i first read Annie Proulx's short story. I wasn't aware of the final result beforehand. I only got to the part where Lureen says"he wanted to be cremated, ashes scattered on Brokeback Mountain" before i totally lost it. While I'm not one to shy away from tears i hadn't cried that hard since i lost my Mom. A day or so later i picked the Story to Screenplay book and after that the soundtrack. I can't go more than 2 days without listening to it and often tear up. I was on the internet watching clips of the film anywhere i could find them (YouTube is great!). I have been fighting a hip & back injury since last June and there was no way i could sit in a movie theater seat for any real length of time. I have to get up from my desk every half hour at work and walk around. Good thing i work at my family's business! I ended up recently getting my hands on an awards screener DVD but, will be getting my other copy from Amazon (hopefully with lots of extras) when it is released. Since i have now watched the film 3 times i know i wouldn't have held it together very well in a theater. I only wish i could have  went and contributed to the box office totals.   

 As someone who is still living a closeted life and missed out on true relationship with the love of my life because of fear, this has hit me like ton of bricks. If i wasn't writing this myself don't think I'd believe it was possible. I guess i have had been just going through the motions of living for a long time. The feeling that hit me when i first read the story is still with me full force but, that's a good thing. I now actually feel alive for the first time in many years. I don't fear my feelings anymore i just accept them. I always thought i had fully admitted to myself that i was gay but, i never really did till now. And now the shame and self-hatred over being "me" seems to have just gone away! Shortly after i was hit by the "spell" of Brokeback  i remember looking in my bathroom mirror and saw someone i hadn't seen since i was 7 years old looking back at me. It was as if i had blinders removed from my eyes. If the eyes are the windows to the soul i am now seeing all the way inside and am not afraid of what i see..the real me.

For the first time ever something had been triggered where i no longer over eat and mainly natural heathy foods. Thirty Five pounds has pretty much fallen off me with limited exercise(damn hip!). I was never able to do this before even when my hip & back were so bad  that i was off work for 2 months last fall. I was never able to do this before when i was on 3 pills a day for diabetes( now I'm off meds and pretty much close to having the blood work of someone without the disease). It's odd that when i had so many strong reasons to change before i couldn't but, now it's almost effortless. That must be the Brokeback Diet i have heard other people mention.

Now to the part where i tell more about me.....i told you this was going to be long winded! As a child i remember having crushes on both males and females. As i got older i realized how normally i had much more stronger feelings for guys. I have hand a full of relationships with women the lasting longer when i was much younger but, more brief as i got older. I have had  brief sexual encounters with male friends over the years. Normally fear and guilt got in the way of it lasting too long. Sadly, i never have never had sex with a man that i was truly in love with but, i am confident that will change. I had an ongoing emotional love affair while in my late 20's with a male friend who was married. We couldn't keep our hands off each other but, somehow abstained from sex. His wife finally put her foot down after he and i almost gave in to our feelings for each other after 5 years of emotional foreplay. I was devastated and thought i was going to die. I loved him like a had never loved anyone before. Later i was to meet someone made that experience seem small.

Five years later i was at work one day when Tom, one of the trucker drivers at our company told me that his wife was going to divorce him. He was always quite the ladies man and some what of a smart ass. His wife caught him with another woman and tossed him out. Tom and i had never talked a lot before this but, for some reason he sought me out to talk with about it.....if you could call it talking (sort of like Ennis when it came to feelings). I felt so bad for him. He seemed so lost. Then one day he came in to my office i was sitting at my desk and he was standing in front of my desk across me. He began to tear up and at that moment i felt my heart leap out of my chest and meet his as it came at me from across the desk. I got up and put my arm around him to comform him. He briefly lost it but, pulled himself back together. He was living in a small rented house alone. As we talked more over the next week and he opened i offered to have him move in with me which he ended up doing. I felt connected with him and i just wanted to do anything to ease his pain. We became very attached. People made jokes about us at work because it was obvious how we'd light up when we'd see each other. It sort of wasn't funny because everyone there is so homophobic.

Our time alone together meant the world to me. He would look me in the eyes and sing to me. I felt completed by him and never had that connection with anyone before in my life. After a few months i told him i had something to tell him. And i HAD to tell him because i couldn't contain it anymore. Without any fear(which is rare for me) i told him i was in love with him. That was the first time I'd ever said i was IN love someone. He got tears in his eyes and said "i don't know if I'm love with you. I'm not sure what i feel." I think i blew him away.Then he hugged me but, the subject was never brought up again. As before he still told me loved me all the time but, as time went on i actually felt i more and more.  I remember when i had to go out of town for 3 days and be away from him. As i was driving and got so far way i felt like someone was pulling my guts out but, i knew right away what it was causing this feeling. Just like in Annie's
short story. We came close to sex at times but, we both were scared and didn't wanted to do anything that could in anyway damage our connection. He admitted to me he had been with a few men. In fact years later i found out we had been with the same man.

 He started to date women again but, they didn't last he would ditch them to spend time with me. Many were jealous of me and one said he was in love with me. After a few years i told him i couldn't take it watching him be with other people(all women). I had to tell him he had to look for his own place. He could afford his own place and had offers from other friends but, said he only wanted to live with me. We didn't talk for two months after he moved out. During this time i started dating a woman Tom had dated. She was a very open person and knew both of us when we were living together. She wanted to have a serious relationship with me but, knew my heart was elsewhere. She said she thought Tom and i were soul mates. She was a wonderful girl and i sort of felt like Ennis disappointing Cassie.

Tom and i became close again. 10 years later that strong bond is still there like i was the first day. I accept our relationship  for what is and what it isn't.
He is married to a nice woman now. We both know we are that one person for each other that we can always depend on. If I'm upset he knows just what to say to calm me down. On those days when i feel like no one loves me i know he always does. I remember a few times when he lived with me when i was overwhelmed and crying he crawled into my bed held me in his arms and stroked my hair.
We normally speak every week and when i am over at his house he never wants me to leave.
I went over to his home today and woke him up we spent two hours lying on his bed watching TV with his hand touching mine. Not saying a word at times but, just feeling "our hearts beat in time"
Because of the love i have experienced with this man i want to try to find it with some else.

[whiplash]

KJ, your story is touching and brings to light the struggle that so many have.  Your story leaves me feeling so helpless and wanting again to change this backward society.  I wish you the best, Lydia

[Hasse]

Brokeback finally opened in my county yesterday and I went to see it with my best friend and his girlfriend. It was quiet a small theater (104 seat) and there were something like 75 people in the audience. I was a little disappointed that it was not a full house but yesterday the Swedish selection for the 2006 Eurovision Song Contest (I'm sure you Americans have no idea what I'm talking about!)was on TV, and that is always the mosted watched program here!

There were a couple of straight couples in there mid twenties, 3-4 teenage girls, 2 gay couples, but mainly middle aged straight couples.

The audience were dead silent through the whole film, just some gasps and "oh no" when Alma saw Eniss and Jack kissing and when Eniis received his postcard in return. There were also some giggling at the fun parts. Everybody sat in there seats untill the light went on and you could see a lot of red eyes.

I didn't think I would cry this time as it was the 6th time I saw it but of course I did. My friend thought it was the most beutiful and romantic film he'd ever seen and "so f*****g sad". His girlfriend cried more or less constantly from the scene were Eniis and Jack met for the last time. By the time the film ended she was TOTALLY devestated and kept repeating "why!!". It took me and my friend almost twenty minutes to calm here down.  I asked them bouth what they thought Ennis meant by "Jack.......I swear" and they thought it was obvoius that it meant two things. Jack....I swear I love you although I never told you so" and "Jack....I swear I will make your last wish come true".

They both thought that Jacks mother definitely knew exactly who/what Ennis was. When she puts the shirts in the bag my friends girlfirend grabbed me by the arm and whispered "look, she stroked his hand".

When they left me off at my place my friend told me "Hasse, please always be true to yourself and do remember that we love you dearly". Nice to have such good friends! 

Sorry for the long post!

Hasse

[Hasse]

Brokeback finally opened in my county yesterday and I went to see it with my best friend and his girlfriend. It was quiet a small theater (104 seat) and there were something like 75 people in the audience. I was a little disappointed that it was not a full house but yesterday the Swedish selection for the 2006 Eurovision Song Contest (I'm sure you Americans have no idea what I'm talking about!)was on TV, and that is always the mosted watched program here!

There were a couple of straight couples in there mid twenties, 3-4 teenage girls, 2 gay couples, but mainly middle aged straight couples.

The audience were dead silent through the whole film, just some gasps and "oh no" when Alma saw Eniss and Jack kissing and when Eniis received his postcard in return. There were also some giggling at the fun parts. Everybody sat in there seats untill the light went on and you could see a lot of red eyes.

I didn't think I would cry this time as it was the 6th time I saw it but of course I did. My friend thought it was the most beutiful and romantic film he'd ever seen and "so f*****g sad". His girlfriend cried more or less constantly from the scene were Eniis and Jack met for the last time. By the time the film ended she was TOTALLY devestated and kept repeating "why!!". It took me and my friend almost twenty minutes to calm here down.  I asked them bouth what they thought Ennis meant by "Jack.......I swear" and they thought it was obvoius that it meant two things. Jack....I swear I love you although I never told you so" and "Jack....I swear I will make your last wish come true".

They both thought that Jacks mother definitely knew exactly who/what Ennis was. When she puts the shirts in the bag my friends girlfirend grabbed me by the arm and whispered "look, she stroked his hand".

When they left me off at my place my friend told me "Hasse, please always be true to yourself and do remember that we love you dearly". Nice to have such good friends! 

Sorry for the long post!

Hasse

Sorry, i just realised that this probably was posted in the wrong thread!   :-[ Maybe someone of the moderators could move it?