How Brokeback affected me

[kalabro]

This movie hit me like a ton of bricks.  I mean, I've seen it three times now; this last time was probably the most emotional for me, with me beginning the crying during Ennis and Jack's breakup scene and going from there. 

I related more to Jack--that boundless romanticism, the strong belief in this other person as The One, taking fleeting scraps of happiness when he deserved a hell of a lot more, never getting what he needed, wanted or deserved...it all threw me back to being in college in Tulsa in 1994.  There was this guy I knew--he was unlike any other guy I had known in college: he was an artist, a double major in biology and art, smart, sexy as hell without even trying.  I was in love, but was too conflicted to say anything for a couple of years.  Finally, in '94, I came out...and decided to tell him.  On top of that, I decided to tell him how I felt.  It was disastrous, to say the least. I was beyond depressed, and, by week's end, had become a super-fundie and had told people I was no longer gay.  I still longed for D., but tried really, really hard to supress my feelings--but because I was running in a group of other religious zealouts, that only meant I was around D. a lot more, which led to one situation in which D. actually hugged me.  I mean it was a long hug--to this day, I'd trade all the sex I've had with other guys for that embrace.   I remember having lunch with him one day and, when he remarked that he wanted to get a ski cap, I drove him to two stores, heavy snowfall be damned.  I remember sitting in his dorm room just watching him draw--I never made a move (I wasn't quite as bold as Jack, then), much to my regret.  At graduation (I was getting ready to move to Atlanta), I tried to avoid him, but he came up and we chatted, and I told him I was moving to Atlanta.  He asked me what was waiting for me there, and I told him, "Hopefully, a new start."  Over the years, we had had a few phone conversations, but he was very, VERY rooted in a particular fundamentalist Christianity that was impossible to break through. 

I wonder if I was in love or if I was just in a deeply deluded infatuation, but damn if Brokeback Mountain didn't reawaken the ache.  I'm 35, and have never experienced anything as strong.  I've lied my ass off to people, trying to be Strong Black Gay Man, when all I want is someone like D.   I've never been in a relationship, but I've written it off as "Oh, well, it's because I'm in grad school" or "Well, I haven't been anywhere long enough to meet people."  In a way, this movie has had the same effect on me that D. did--in Jack's words, it shot my plane out of the sky.  It called out my lonliness in a way that I thought I'd bottled up--I guess I've told myself to be happy with the risks I never took, when I know that's not true. 

[jack]

sparky, i am going to venture a guess/suggestion,based just on what you have said here and what i take to be the "lifestyle" (this time used appropriately) you have to which you have grown accustomed. 

if you want what you say you want, don't let the shop window distract you from the goods you are ACTUALLY shopping for.  find out about the product, not the box it comes in.  and every day of making do with almost, is another day further from brokeback heaven.

its a choice...

jack

[aceygirl]

In my dreams, Ennis stops Jack from getting back into the truck and driving to Mexico...why did he tell him he was getting divorced, anyway, thus getting his hopes up like that?

because he thought he could confide in a friend.

I think that Ennis was right to stay where he could be close to his children. 

Well, Jack was FAR MORE than a "friend." How could Ennis not know it would get Jack's hopes up?

[darryl]

Another enigma.  What did Ennis say during the call?  I can't imagine that he called to discuss his feelings.  So you wonder why he felt the news of the divorce warranted a call rather than just a comment on their next trip.  And it must have been a short call if Jack didn't even have time to say, "I'm on my way."  I think it was just Ennis reaching out to his friend in response to the feelings of isolation he must have felt after the divorce.

[darryl]

"...Jack had misunderstood the reason for the call, had driven twelve hundred miles north for nothing."  Think of Jack during what must have been at least an 18 hour drive and imagine how happy and hopeful he must have been.  I expect he spent the entire drive imagining their future life together.  The story does not elucidate this moment, and I wondered how it would play out in the film.  I expected some sort of breakdown on Jack's part in response to frustration and everything that must have been dying inside him in those few seconds.  His stone-faced, empty encounter with the hustler in Mexico was a great segue.

[Charlie]

In my dreams, Ennis stops Jack from getting back into the truck and driving to Mexico...why did he tell him he was getting divorced, anyway, thus getting his hopes up like that?

because he thought he could confide in a friend.

I think that Ennis was right to stay where he could be close to his children. 

Well, Jack was FAR MORE than a "friend." How could Ennis not know it would get Jack's hopes up?

because he was a stupid M-F?  That scene was so painful that I almost walked out. 
On the old format, there was a discussion about whether Jack committed suicide.   It might have been considered shameful--hence the dubious exploding-tire story.  I wonder if he finally realized that he couldn't fix it and he couldn't stand it.

[wxman90]

...oops! saw this section after I already posted on the Main Disc...so here it is again.

Hi!  I'm Jason from Long Island and I've been watching these blogs and forums for several weeks now.  It is so comforting to see the support everyone brings to BBM.  Please allow me to share my story after seeing Brokeback Mountain the weekend it opened in NYC (as posted on the BBM wesbite):

...Erik and I saw Brokeback Mountain on December 11 in NYC. I am at a loss for words as to what I thought of the movie..it's more about how I feel on the inside that makes this movie moving.

I never really knew where or when my attraction to men started - but after my first man-to-man experience in college back in 1991, I didn't know where my sexuality was going to take me. At the time, all I knew was that I was going to get married someday to a woman, have kids, and make the parents happy. But what about this attraction to good looking guys? How can that fit?

Watching Jack's character in this movie really connected to my days questioning my sexuality. I was always yearning for that 'close buddy' - one where we'd share everything sexually and not - and yet still have the wife, kids, extended family.

Today, almost 15 years later, I am happily married to Erik. My personal growth and experiences have brought me to a point where I am happy with who I am. My family is not taking it well and our communication ceased a few months ago while Erik and I were planning our wedding.

Last night, listening to the Brokeback Mountain soundtrack and thinking about the Jack and Ennis characters, I just couldn't hold my tears back any longer. The struggle I went through with my own sexuality 15 years ago, and now the struggle I have with my family, just all came out. Erik was right there to hold me...


We saw the movie one more time last weekend - so many things I missed the first time became much more apparent.  I love reading about box office numbers and everyone's interpretations on here.  Wow!   Now that I'm 'hooked' to this site - you'll be seeing more of me.

Thanks Dave for putting this site together. *BIG HUGS*

[Dathan]

Darryl I liked your comment back in #15 I believe.  It would be sweet to have moments like that alone a few times a year with someone you love so deeply.  But it's obvious how Jack or any of us could want so much more from a relationship.
As a dude over forty, I left the theatre transported back in time to my first and only love.  I was feeling a great amount of sadness and joy simultaneously.  Much like Ennis, I doubt if I will ever experience love like that as I did in my 20's.  If it is possible to have a relationship like that again for me or for Ennis Del Mar, I don't think it will be of the same intensity.
As I have said back in the old days of threads gone by, I think Ennis has good mental health and will find joy in the day to day living whether with his children or the simple jobs he seeks. So if Ennis can stand it so can I.

[darryl]

Dathan, it's not the intensity of exalted sensations that make exalted men, it's their duration.  (Part of the sadness of BBM.)  And I confess to badly paraphrasing Nietzsche.

[sparky]

sparky, i am going to venture a guess/suggestion,based just on what you have said here and what i take to be the "lifestyle" (this time used appropriately) you have to which you have grown accustomed. 

if you want what you say you want, don't let the shop window distract you from the goods you are ACTUALLY shopping for.  find out about the product, not the box it comes in.  and every day of making do with almost, is another day further from brokeback heaven.

its a choice...

jack

Hmmm. I am not sure I am clear with all you are saying, Jack. As far as looking beneath the surface, I am pretty good at that. Though, in this city, the surface is often all there is to what you are looking at. Nonetheless, I am resolving to look in some different places, and open my mind more.

[littlebad]

I have finally seen the movie and after all that I've read am amazed that it really does live up to all the superlatives. My feelings are somewhat numb and will have to spend some time processing. I have virtually nothing in common with the characters or surroundings but still empathized despite that. My current situation is such that any depiction of loss and missed opportunities cuts deep.
In addition to agreeing with all the accolades that Heath Ledger has been given I have to say I was blown away by Jake's performance, all the little details  contributed toa  whole living person and not the stereotypes so often depicted in movies today.
The performance I went to was sold out and the only available seats where on the front row, not at all ideal, but a very good excuse for having to go and see it again! I'm so glad this forum exists and has developed as it has, as reading all the intelligent, interesting and sometimes heartrending comments has added a whole other dimension to the novella and film.

[jack]

SPARKY...
however much i may have tortured analogies, you got it.  when you really open up to whatever possibilities fate or the gods have in store, WATCH OUT partner! no guts, no glory.  i am rooting for you.

jack

[mountain boy]

First and foremost, Annie Proulx wrote extensive deliberate ambiguity into BBM. It's supposed to be that way. The final line says "There was some open space between what he knew and what he tried to believe." Good literature is like that, often because life is like that.

That said, there are a lot of things I want to believe about the story, mostly because they make me feel better.

I want to believe that Jack's death really was an accident.
I want to believe that Lureen had a very comfortable and open relationship with Jack - and (thanks Mark!) she actually went after him in the first place because "she heard some talk about him" over by the pool table. Maybe she was bisexual herself.
I want to believe that Jack's mother understood the whole story and was trying to make that clear to Ennis.
Same for Alma Jr. and Francine. I want to believe that they would have been overjoyed to welcome their Uncle Jack into their lives.
I want to believe that Alma in the kitchen scene is trying to get Ennis to think of living together with Jack - she says "we worry about you being alone" just before she asks about Jack - but she and Ennis get sidetracked and defensive in the conversation and it all goes wrong.
Heck I even wanna believe that Joe Aguirre really felt for the guys but couldn't get over his own, as no doubt he would term it himself, "internalized homa phobia."

I want to believe that from time to time, they each tried to do their stumbling best. But they each thought - incorrectly - that they were the only one who felt the way they did. And because they each felt alone and afraid, they didn't manage to make the story as happy as it could have been.

And more than wanting to believe, I really DO believe that Annie and Ang and Heath and Jake and Larry and Diana and Dave and Melisande and Jack and Mary did what they did and are doing what they are doing to try to support this message that we can make the world better.

So, BBM buddies, I wish all of you love and a happier new year! (P.S. - I edited the line about Lureen a tad.)

[mary]

First and foremost, Annie Proulx wrote extensive deliberate ambiguity into BBM. It's supposed to be that way. Good literature is like that, often because life is like that.

That said, there are a lot of things I want to believe about the story, mostly because they make me feel better.

Thanks wdj, I'm glad I'm not the only hopeless romantic around here.  (I know it's not reality, I know it's a grittier story than that, but a girl can dream...)

[DaveinPhilly]

My partner of 25 yrs and I went to see the film 2 days after it opened here leaving us both deeply melancholy. A couple of days later we went again and both were profoundly effected, although I am the one who can't let go of the experience.

Then a few days and I went solo for this deeply moving experience. this time I came away knowing that I felt such gratitude for the filmmakers & caste and that it was important for me to feel the joy we have in our lives together.

Indeed I know that in some way this film was made for me and I know that I am in ways both Ennis & Jack (though far from as cute as they both are as actors). I know also that in overcoming the fear I've always felt I won't become Ennis alone in that trailer, but that I can find in myself more of the romantic and achieving person Jack wanted to be.

Ennis himself, I believe, does still possess in the end that one most precious thing that all humans can possess - love.