How Brokeback affected me

[Zuraffo]

We are all still learning (Hey isn't that your nick? ). My suggestions: have fun along the way. Welcome the tears, welcome the laughter, welcome the pain, welcome the solace. Welcome the hurt, and welcome the wonder of seeing it heal.

It's been 3 months now since I first saw BBM, and I'm starting to come out of that.....BBM fog.   I don't think about it all the time anymore, analyze things, replay them in my mind, mourn over them etc.  In some ways it's a relief, and in some ways a disappointment - because this movie brought me to a place that I haven't been for a really long time.  And now I am left with where to go from here.  What I've learned was that I was leading life too superficially - it's safer there, I thought.  I found myself living that way of life because of hurts, rejections, and failures in the past.  So, on some unconscious level, if I didn't go as deep, and risk as much, or care more fully, I thought I was insolating myself from hurt, but all I was doing was creating isolation from real, and true connections with people. 
    I think of Jack’s life, what most people say should make you happy – a wife, son, good, secure job, nice home, settled in a community – but he wasn’t happy/fulfilled because he wasn’t living the live he really wanted to live.  And it made me think, am I building the life that I should be building, am I devoting my time and energy to goals that really matter.  This taking stock has me twisted up inside, but I know that the end result, thanks in large part to this movie, is that I’ll live a more “real” life, where I’ll take risks and go deeper, and ultimately live life more fully.  How incredible that a movie can be such a part of making this happen.  I’ve donated one DVD to the library campaign, but I’m going to donate another, because I hope that others can benefit as richly as I have from BBM.

[MarkC]

FRANCOPHONES et FRANCOPHILES:

Venez vous joindre à nous dans ce fil de discussion bien caché quelque part dans ce forum :
http://davecullen.com/forum/index.php?topic=1104.0

[Poohbunn]

Social upbringing definitely plays an important on our resulting behavior. The fact that human society in recent times is more liberal about sexual activities help to unleash the promiscuity of human nature. In older times, when the society discourage it, promiscuity was often suppress, which, all things considered, is not a bad thing actually.

I agree.  While it may be fun and even acceptable to sleep around when you are younger, it sure is nice to have a soulmate by your side when you get old.
-- Pooh

[Poohbunn]

If I'm being 'used' then that's fine with me, 'cause I'm using back. We can all take risks here and speak from the heart, not something that's widely acceptable out in the world as yet. I'd like to think that the ripple effect from BBM will add in some small part to the tipping point.

I have shared things on this list that even my husband doesn't know. That's what a risk I'm taking. Ennis' life told me that I need to take risks or I'll be all alone.  I hope the Brokeback effect will spread even further with the DVD out.  I bought extra copies as lenders for my friends who haven't seen it. I'm going to get every person I know to see it.  Even if one heart is changed, and one mind opened, it will have been worth it.
-- Pooh

[Zuraffo]

I'm going to get every person I know to see it.  Even if one heart is changed, and one mind opened, it will have been worth it.
-- Pooh

Amen

[Sebastian]

I'm going to get every person I know to see it.  Even if one heart is changed, and one mind opened, it will have been worth it.
-- Pooh

Amen

Ditto!  (no complaint if it's way more than one, though  )

[Cameron816]

If I'm being 'used' then that's fine with me, 'cause I'm using back. We can all take risks here and speak from the heart, not something that's widely acceptable out in the world as yet. I'd like to think that the ripple effect from BBM will add in some small part to the tipping point.

I have shared things on this list that even my husband doesn't know. That's what a risk I'm taking. Ennis' life told me that I need to take risks or I'll be all alone.  I hope the Brokeback effect will spread even further with the DVD out.  I bought extra copies as lenders for my friends who haven't seen it. I'm going to get every person I know to see it.  Even if one heart is changed, and one mind opened, it will have been worth it.
-- Pooh

Well, I have two extra copies that I will be giving to my two sisters.  This will be my so called coming out to them.  God, I only wish this movie had come out 10-20 years ago.  But as I've said before... all I have is now.  Jack and Ennis, I swear....... things will never be the same.

[Poohbunn]

I feel the same way about being referred to by the wrong gender, but on the other hand, I'm less hung up about gender than I used to be thanks to the trans community. But I still wouldn't want to be referred to as a lady. Nope. Not me.

I thought the song talked about an "inner lady", not quite a literal thing. Heck, I'm sure I have an "inner macho man" because I could rip trees out by their roots whenever I hear of someone abusing an animal or a kid.
-- Pooh

[Robert]

I just left a post complimenting people who leave short posts.  I think this will not be so short.

The title of this thread is "How Brokeback Affected Me," and I have to say that it was huge for me.  I have spent my life loving
movies (as so many of us have), and made my living as a screenwriter in Hollywood for two decades.  From the time I was
a child until 2005, virtually every homosexual I saw portrayed on the screen was a lisping, mincing, fluttery queen.  Or, if
not that, then a degenerate who lusted after children.  Or, if not that, a victim of abuse or murder.  Or, if not that,
simply a monster, as in "Silence of the Lambs."  (They told us the monster was not homosexual, but with the makeup he
wore, and his wispy clothes, we knew).  And, except for the degenerates and monsters, no homosexual ever had a dick.
They were purposely made ludicrous, sexless,  so they wouldn't be threatening.

There were, as time passed, a few timid exceptions.  The listless, passionless "Making Love," which put paid to the two
lead actors' careers as film leads.  "Bloody Sunday" was a good movie, and it had a homosexual man in it, but aside from
a single tepid kiss, there was no sex, and the object of his affection was a bi-sexual who was having an affair with a
woman at the same time he slept with our protagonist.  in "Philadelphia" Tom Hanks played a homosexual, but he was dyiing,
see, and so it didn't really matter, since he was too sick to have sex.  (The director filmed a kiss between Hanks and Banderas,
but cut it when a teenaged male told them, his girlfriend by his side, "It  makes me physically sick to see two men kiss.')

William Hurt played a homosexual in "Kiss of the Spider Woman," but though he got to make love once, it was in the
dark, and we didn't have to look at it, and he got shot at the end, so that's okay.  Kevin Kline played a homosexual in "In And Out,"
but guess what?  No sex, though there was a single (very funny) kiss.  Most often, still in 2005, homosexuals are the
ridiculously effeminate best friend of the heroine, as in "Sex and the City," where they look funny, act effeminately, and have
equally unattractive and effeminate partners. 

Or, another 2005 film "The Family Stone."  Sarah Jessica Parker is involved with a family in which there are three brothers.
Two of them are studs (Luke Wilson and Dermot Mulroney).  The third brother, though, is homosexual, and he's not a
stud.  In fact, he's very so-so looking.  And the topper is, he's deaf.  Plus that--to distance him further from the audience--he
has a black partner, also only modestly attractive.  In sum, the third brother has no dick, just as the fluttery, purse-mouthed
homosexuals from the 30's and 40's and 50's and 60's had no dicks.  (He's very nice, though)

Well.  There may be an exception or two.  In the main, though, I have wandered through the desert of Hollywood films looking
for somebody who might come within a country mile of my experience.  A homosexual man who breathed, walked this earth, and
loved another man.  Finally that film has been made in "Brokeback Mountain," and a bell has been rung.  Once that bell is
rung, it can never be unrung.  I feel like a bell that has been rung.  And wrung. 

I was sometimes offered homosexual-themed writing projects, none of which interested me:  the murder of Harvey Milk, the
attempt to track down the first AIDS carrier.  I turned them down without hesitation.   But I always went to see the resulting
films.  I have read that poor black people, back in the late fifties, early sixties, when they heard Harry Belafonte or Lena
Horne was going to be on television, would say Damn the cost, and call the relatives long-distance to announce the fact
that one of them was going to be seen by the world.  Well, now I have been seen by the world.    That's what "Brokeback Mountain"
means to me:  it means that for the first time in my life, I have seen a positive reflection of myself from Hollywood.  I am
profoundly grateful.

[MindyM]

I stopped in for a brief visit and of course, there are such beautiful posts here.  I have been thinking a lot about the last scene between Ennis and Jack.  I remember the second time I saw the movie how I thought I literally would stop breathing because I knew what was coming this time.  I believe that Jack would have continued to love Ennis always, but I think in that last scene, when Ennis breaks down and falls to his knees and talks finally about how much pain he is in, that Jack has this intense realization of what Ennis has been going through all these years.  The look on his face shows that he understands what is going on with Ennis.  Then he rushes to comfort him and they cling desperately to each other, like they are hanging on for dear life, which they really are.  We do know that he had another man in his life and I think that Jack was able to fact the fact that Ennis would never be able to live with him openly, the way he wanted.  I don't think he let go of Ennis, I think he let go of his dream of a life with Ennis.  When he stands there and we see the flashback of the dozy embrace, I think he realizes that Ennis gave as much as he could.  There is an expression I heard a long time ago that always comes back to me at difficult moments in my life ' "loving someone enough to let them go".  I think this might have been what Jack was doing here.  It doesn't mean that you ever stop loving them, it just means that sometimes it is necessary to be unselfish and to think of someone else more than yourself.  Jack didn't want Ennis to struggle anymore and he also wanted someone to settle down with as he grew older.  This doesn't make me necessarily happy as I write it, but I feel that this might have been what was going on.  I am not saying that Jack would not have agreed to see Ennis in November, if he had lived.  I find it hard to think that he could ever really refuse to see Ennis even if he was with someone else.  I don't mean to say that this other man could ever take the place of Ennis, either.  No one could ever do that. 

Maybe I am just rambling, maybe it's BBM fatigue.  It might also be my way of making peace with what happened to them.  I would like to think that maybe Ennis might meet someone in his life that would help him to find peace of mind and acceptance.  It's easier for me to think that something hopeful might still happen to Ennis after losing Jack.

[Mejack]

My search for Billy has ended.  This afternoon I received confirmation that he passed away several years ago.  I just can't hardly stand it.  There's so much I wanted to say to him.  I feel so utterly alone now.  I've never had to grieve before.

Billy's wife Ruth lives in Atlanta, and there was a phone number.  I called Ruth a little while ago.  She was very cordial, remembered me from years ago, and invited me to come visit.  At first I declined, but she insisted, so I go to Atlanta next week.

How do you explain to your wife that you're going out of town to meet another woman who was the wife of the man you've loved for fifty years?

And then there's Ruth.  Is she going to see it in my face?  OMG, this is probably a big mistake, but if I don't make the trip, I'll never know what I must know.

Finally, I have been able to lay Billy to rest in my heart. 

Last Friday I  flew to Atlanta to visit with Ruth.  We had met before, 48 years earlier.  Our conversation began with family.  He and Ruth had a son, a daughter, and two grandchildren.  We spoke of my family.  Then Billy's death 13 years ago, of pancreatic cancer. He was 58 when he passed away. 

I could feel those damn tears, welling in my eyes.  I had to say something, explain somehow.  "Ruth, I've got to tell you about Billy and me."   "No, Paul" she said, "I already know about you and Billy." She began: 

"The first time we met, you flew from New York to Atlanta, then drove on to Griffin, and you didn't even know Billy's address.  I thought that was odd.  Why would you go to such expense to look for Billy, and just stay one afternoon?

"A year later you called.  Billy had been returned to prison.  I planned to visit him and asked if you would like to go with me.  To my surprise, you did.  Another expensive trip for only a couple of hours with Billy.  We had visited before, but this time there was a tear in Billy's eye.  I knew it wasn't for me.  We sat across the table and talked, but he couldn't keep his eyes off of you.

"Years later, back home, I asked him about you.  He leaned back in his recliner and said you were just a good friend.  But then he got misty-eyed again.  Said it was his allergies.

"When Billy was in hospice, we knew there were only days remaining.  We spoke of many things.  Then I just threw caution to the wind and said 'Billy, do you want me to get in touch with Paul?'  At first he was startled, but he realized that I knew.  He answered, 'No, I wouldn't even know where to find him.'

"A couple of days later I went into the room.  There was an envelope in his hand as he slept.  When he awakened I asked him what it was.  He said, 'If Paul ever comes, would you give him this?'  I told him I would.  Billy died three days later."

Ruth reached in her purse and laid the envelope on the coffee table.  It had been in the safe deposit box until yesterday.  As I picked it up, I could feel Billy's fingertips in mine.  My hand trembled.  And the tears came again.  "Maybe you should take it with you and read it later," she said.

As we were saying our goodbyes, Ruth said "Paul, tell me something.  How often did you and Billy see each other?"  I replied, "The last time I saw Billy was that day when you and I visited him."  Now it was her time for tears.  She said, "But I always thought . . . " her voice trailed away.  We parted as friends.

Back in the hotel room, it was so hard to bring myself to open the letter.  It was my only link, my final contact, with him.  After this, there would be nothing, ever again.  Finally, it's open.  It wasn't a letter at all.  Just a little slip of paper, with a few lines that I will treasure forever . . .

          Paul,
          The sweetest days of my life were spent with you.
          Go find some grassy place again
          And lay you down and close your eyes.
          I'll meet you there.
          Billy

[JoeNorthWest]

 Well, now I have been seen by the world.    That's what "Brokeback Mountain"
means to me:  it means that for the first time in my life, I have seen a positive reflection of myself from Hollywood.  I am
profoundly grateful.

Hi Robert,

That's exactly how I feel and felt.  It's also the reason I was so upset when it did not win the Oscar.  I personally felt rejected because I have such a strong identification with this film for the very reasons you stated...I cool now with it.  Because we gave a voice to it.  I hope you write films that are powerful, meaningful and depict us in a light as men.  I don't mean the pendulum has to swing to the other extreme...Just good, dare I say it "normal" guys...Joe

[estefue]

Mejack, that was beautiful and incredibly sad and moving.  What an ending to your story.  Best wishes  Esteban

[Sebastian]

Dear Paul, thank you for sharing your moving nonfiction  Brokeback story. After reading Mindy's post about Ennis, I have to admit there was a letdown thinking about Ennis moving on, being with someone else [though I have my doubts he ever could]. Your story of Billy is a tender reminder that no matter where life takes us, the deep love stays. What a precious gift those last few words from him are.
Woke up in the middle of the night from a dream, hearing the song "Somewhere" from West Side Story . Billy could easily be singing that song to you.

Here's hoping along with Robert and Joe we can move on too, with Brokeback as our new standard for letting real gay men and women be seen in all our glorious diversity, especially the boringly normal majority. It may have been on the Oscars a few years ago when a woman who was a holocaust survivor accepted the award for a documentary. She said something like, 'You have no idea the luxury of a boring evening at home, watching the television.'

Maybe someday the Ennis and Jacks, Billy and Pauls, will be afforded that luxury. Somehow, somewhere...

[Wolf]

Paul,

I hardly know what to say to you my dear.  I'm sitting here in floods of tears after reading your post.

All I can think to say is how very very lucky (tho it surely musn't feel like that right now) you are to have been loved so fully, for so many years.  Though God knows, I wish you and he had been able to meet one last time.

I'm in awe of you and Ruth.  The dignity with which you both handled the situation is something else.  Brings to mind that awful, but so resolving final scene with Ennis and Jack's parents.  So much understood, with little need for words to spell it out.

Hugs to you.  I do hope you're able to move forward and find another grassy field soon.  Be it with your wife, or just your beautiful memories of Billy.

w