How Brokeback affected me

[BenKing]

I'm not surprised that some people don't get it. My best friend's daughter thought 'Titantic' was the greatest movie ever. I thought it was just ok.
A lot of people don't understand why I don't 'get' Christianity and the Bible.

I guess if a book or amovie doesn't have anything that you can relate to personally it's not going to affect you too much.
Brokeback Mountain is OUR movie. It was given to US. It's not for everybody, it's special.

That is right on the money.  Not everyone is going to be affected the same.  My sister thought Titanic was phenomenal too.  (I kept telling her I don't want to spoil the ending, but THE BOAT SINKS!)  All movies strike hardest with the audience which empathizes the most.  What IS remarkable is that BBM is the first time a movie which accurately depicts a rural gay experience has been produced and seen by such a wide audience.  But it's still made for US. 

I think we need to make more movies like this with gay actors.  And I seriously hope other GLBT writers out there evolve from the ever-tiring drug addiction, AIDS deaths, coming out stories, hustlers, bed and breakfast guides, and empty sex encounters material that stocks the gay books stores and the 3 shelves at Barnes and Nobel.  Yawn.  There's all kinds of experiences that could be written about - Oscar Wilde, victorian women, police officers, Walt Whitman, a military story, coal miners, pioneers, gay racial minorities, Abe Lincoln, Commander Sulu.  Anything.

I hope this movie sparks a new interest in expanding the gay experience through interesting stories with universal themes.

There are two gay authors I'd recommend that are interesting.  One is a cool melancholy gay detective writer and the main character is gay.  He's pretty pretty easy to find in the book store, although I can't seem to find it right now in my own den to name for this post.  The other is E. Robert Dunn - gay sci fi writer.  Check out the Echelon's End series.  It's hard core sci fi with a gay theme.  It's great. 

[tacitus]

Am I alone in feeling that as Brokeback Mountain is leaving theaters, it feels a bit like losing an old friend?  The DVD is out in a few days. I have seen the screener, and I did pick up more feeling from the actor's expressions, especially Jake's. In fact, I feel the film might have been shot with the idea it might go straight to DVD. It has those kinds of close ups that used to be more commonly seen only on the small screen. I suppose that is as much do the fact the majority of movie money these days is in the DVD market.
Well... Later all... I got a letter to the Editor to figure out. I put a note about that over on the Future Project Ideas thread.

yeah, it's like a death in the family. just discovered brokeback has disappeared from philadelphia after more than three months. it couldn't last forever but i'm bereft. no more big-screen brokeback! it leaves a hole in my life. have never seen ANY FILM as many times as i have brokeback mountain. well, maybe life will get back to normal. if that's possible. but the magic lives on. forever!

[tacitus]

Sorry about this...

I knew this was coming. I felt it yesterday. What is it with this story and film? It rips a layer off of me I had buried so deep, a place I hadn't thought to look there in years. Then, after a few days, I get some perspective on that part of myself and a sense of peace and clarity for a few days. The next thing I know, here comes something else I thought I had dealt with, and it comes up to stomp on me some more. You just couldn't go through my generation as a gay man and not be touched in some endless fashion by death. Three men that befriended me the first year I was publicly out, they made dam sure I knew what was going on... And in a year, all three of them were dead of AIDS. What the hell is going on with me, what is digging all of this stuff up. Hell, I'm even getting flashes from the car wreck again. Little ones I admit. And each, I bounce off of with a feeling like it's time. I can deal with this, mourn it, and get on with my life. What next? Am I going to go through all of those dreams of the operations to reassemble my arms? Truth, I don't even want to face that horror again. When those where trying to first surface, I lost all sense of who I was and what I wanted from life. It's only in the last year I could ride in a car with someone else driving without hitting panic attacks every so often.

You know, I get to feeling like this, and I don't know if I really want this to end, it's like I want free of all of this. I want my life back. Or at least, a life that lets me feel like I'm doing something besides treading water in a shoreless sea.... No... putting this away, deleting it... that don't work... so..
Don't ask me why, but my gut says posting this is some kind of healing for me.

no need to feel sorry, garry. this has happened to many of us. it's called reopening old wounds. reexaming your life. healing. everybody has to repress unhappiness to survive. we deal with it in the moment and then, to get on and stay afloat, we just file it away and get on with our lives. then, something like brokeback mountain hits us and the emotional cart is upended. everything spills out. everything. and sounds like what happened to me happened to you. there's so much baggage on the ground - all of it opened with the contents strewn everywhere - it takes a hell of a lot of time to go through it. i found myself dealing with hurt and pain from five decades ago. and that's not bad. it's good. it's liberating. and you've got to come to terms with it. and that takes a lot of thought and hopefully a lot of conversations and dialogue with understanding friends. but you can work your way through it. three months later, i feel a heck of a lot better about myself. i still have a lot of anger to deal with. but that's good, too. at least i'm confronting what i couldn't deal with years ago. sort of like cleaning out an old disordered closet. the journey is a long one. we have a lot to deal with. and it will never end. but hopefully, dealing with all the memories and hurts brokeback mountain stirred up, will make you a better person. stronger, more alive and, yes, happy and content with who you are and where you're going. thank you, annie proulx and ang lee, for helping me understand and grow. thank you!   

[johnk]

Sorry about this...

I knew this was coming. I felt it yesterday.    

Tell you what, my friend - the only thing I can compare it to is when you walk out into the ocean and then a huge wave knocks you over.  When you eventually get up, you are totally out of breath, run over, and you're wondering where the next wave is. 

[mansam]

Well, let me tell you something about myself. I'm a Canadian man of Middle eastern origin, and have been working in the Middle East for a few years now. I first heard about Brokeback last Setempber and basically gobbled everyhting about it before being able to see it for the first time in Toronto March 11.
I went into theater expecting a lot and nearly 3 weeks after my first viewing, I'm still haunted by the film's entirety. For the first time in my life, I was actually studying a film's characters' every move, every nuance. The film ended and I just sat there basically drained of every single emotion. I was so devastated and so overcome by emotion that I literally didn't know quit what to do, so I stayed on my seat and watched it for a second consecutive time.
Before seeing the film, I never thought about me being alone still with no lover at 43 but Brokeback immediately made me re-think my priorities. I didn't want to be Ennis ending up alone and living with a regret that would haunt me most of my life.
I was Jack but I also had some Ennis in me.
I've seen the film 5 times before returning to the Middle east and each time, I saw something new in the film. Basically, I never wanted to leave the theater. I basically wanted to enter the screen and live with Ennis and Jack!!!
Well since I'm isolated here and really dont want to end up alone, I'd love to hear from others who have felt the same, who for them Brokeback Mountain basically reshaped their outlook on their lives from now on.

[BayCityJohn]

Well, let me tell you something about myself. I'm a Canadian man of Middle eastern origin, and have been working in the Middle East for a few years now. I first heard about Brokeback last Setempber and basically gobbled everyhting about it before being able to see it for the first time in Toronto March 11.
I went into theater expecting a lot and nearly 3 weeks after my first viewing, I'm still haunted by the film's entirety. For the first time in my life, I was actually studying a film's characters' every move, every nuance. The film ended and I just sat there basically drained of every single emotion. I was so devastated and so overcome by emotion that I literally didn't know quit what to do, so I stayed on my seat and watched it for a second consecutive time.
Before seeing the film, I never thought about me being alone still with no lover at 43 but Brokeback immediately made me re-think my priorities. I didn't want to be Ennis ending up alone and living with a regret that would haunt me most of my life.
I was Jack but I also had some Ennis in me.
I've seen the film 5 times before returning to the Middle east and each time, I saw something new in the film. Basically, I never wanted to leave the theater. I basically wanted to enter the screen and live with Ennis and Jack!!!
Well since I'm isolated here and really dont want to end up alone, I'd love to hear from others who have felt the same, who for them Brokeback Mountain basically reshaped their outlook on their lives from now on.

I feel the same way mansam, but I have though about me being all alone for a long time now. I'm 49, but all my friends say I look 48
I live in a small town, but that's really not the reason I'm alone. For a long time I have avoided dating and socializing. I always felt that nobody would be able to replace the love I lost.
And even when other people have tried to get close I ended up pushing them away.
Brokeback Mountain is helping me to re-think my behavior. I have started to be more open with people, although I still struggle with it. There is a nice guy I met a few weeks ago who really wants to get to know me better. We get along great but the romantic spark just isn't there for me. I'm trying to learn how to keep him as a friend without hurting him and pushing him away. And it was Brokeback Mountain that got us together. We were talking online and he said he wanted to see the movie, so I asked him to go with me to see it.
I act so much like Ennis and it's going to be hard to change that.

[Erik]

Tell you what ... truth is .... nothing ended, nothing begun, nothing resolved.  I've been ripped open by Brokeback, and I've been expecting it to somehow lead me to an answer.  Guess it's been there all along, Annie's final words, "There was some open space between what he knew and what he wanted to believe, but nothing could be done about it, and if you can't fix it you've got to stand it.                                                             That's Ennis ... that's me.  I'm just about the same age as Ennis is now, about 20 years after that final scene.  Guess I'm even more hopeless than he was then.  What I know and what I'm trying to believe, there's too much open space there.  I'm trying to believe I can salvage my life, but what I know is that I'm lost.  I've been living my life just going through the paces, like Ennis doing what's expected of us ... it doesn't matter what you want or what you feel ..why even bother to find out ... you just do what you've gotta do ... and it's all supposed to turn out all right.                                                                          Somewhere I lost my way, lost my roadmap.  And now Ennis and Jack have given me a glimpse of life, a moment of dozy embrace happiness ... and I feel so deprived, I don't even have the shirts.  I'm not expecting a blueberry-whiskey spring, just a moment of happiness.                       But the sad part is, I don't even know where to go.  I've tried to replay my whole life, trying to find a tiny piece of love, a little bit of happiness, so I could go back there and try to re-start my life in a better direction.  And I asked myself what would make me happy, and I don't know.  What do I want out of life .. don't know.  My life has been on auto-pilot, no big problems, lots of small satisfactions, but now Jack and Ennis have shown me that even in their difficult, deprived lives, happiness is still possible.                                                                       I've been pretending everything is OK, but it's not.  I've even fooled myself.  Does anyone have a copy of Living for Dummies?  What started out as a hurting for Ennis and Jack has turned into a much bigger hurt for myself.  And without any direction, I'm afraid I'm a lost cause.  And it's too hard to stay torn up like this if it's going nowhere.  I need to somehow pull myself back together .. put all my feelings back in the bottle.  It's like Annie's coathanger that's straightened to open a locked car, then torqued back to its original shape.  Nothing resolved.  I'll just keep wandering around, lost, see if something ..anything.. can make it better.  And I'll watch Brokeback DVD till I've memorized every line.  Where am I going ... don't know.  Maybe I was better off before Brokeback, not knowing how bad off I really am.  Because now I can't forget.  So I have to stand it.

No Strazeme, don't think like this! Don't stand it, fix it! You're just on the way. At least now you realize you have a problem. Before you didn't! And to recognize the problem is always the first step to solving it. Fix it,you owe that to ourself and to Ennis.

[TomS]

I've read today's posts and responses, and identified with your feelings of sadness.  You are all such special people; thank you for your comments and words of support for each other. I love this site.  I wish I could meet you all and get together for a group embrace!

As I mentioned yesterday my friend and I saw the last show at 7pm Thursday in Mt. Prospect Il.  As the movie started we about flipped because the wrong lens was on the projector, which rendered all of the actors like midgets in a fun-house mirror.  My partner immediately got up and complained, and got the problem fixed, just as Aguirre was inviting the boys into the trailer for the first time.

There were about 20 people in the theater and everyone seemed to like it.  We all stayed through the final credits. Lots of tears. Then as we left the theater, we saw that the title had already been removed from the marquee.  I cried all the way home.

I think, finally, what the movie did for me was change the landscape and meaning of gay culture.  Most of us are in some degree of pain (like the protagonists in the film). Sometimes I wonder if our music, posturing, irony, icons,  whatever,  are enabling a lot of us to ignore our pain rather than deal with it directly.  With Brokeback Mountain, it took a soft-spoken Asian director, (with an international crew and a cast of admirable performers), to lead us by the hand to confront our pain head-on and say, "it's ok".  And some benevolent force, whatever it is, brought people like us together  to help each other begin the healing process. 

So those of you who are feeling sad, I agree, let it out, and gradually your world will come into focus.

I hope we can convince some of our independent theaters to have revivals on a regular basis. It would be cool to see sell- out crowds for these special events.

..And if we ever see legalized same-sex marriages, how about playing "The Wings" at the end of our ceremonies?

Look forward to hearing from all of you on the site,

TomS

[Erik]

Some time ago some of you gave me advice concerning good hotels to go in the american west. .but i forgot them, something like Ambassador? Is Best Western ok?

[BayCityJohn]

I hope we can convince some of our independent theaters to have revivals on a regular basis. It would be cool to see sell- out crowds for these special events.

TomS

I just got invited to sit on the programming committee for the State Theatre here in Bay City http://www.statetheatrebaycity.com/. I am definitely going to suggest a showing later this year, probably as a fundraiser for another local non-profit.

[BayCityJohn]

Some time ago some of you gave me advice concerning good hotels to go in the american west. .but i forgot them, something like Ambassador? Is Best Western ok?

Erik: I haven't heard anything bad about Best Western. I've been working in the hotel industry for 20 years now.

You might want to check this website:  http://www.lambdaresorts.com/

[jakelikethat]

hey....  not sure where to post this, so here i am.  mods, please feel free to move this to a more appropriate spot.

i have created a livejournal community, entitled GSA Canada.  you can find it here:

http://community.livejournal.com/gsacanada/

i would like to encourage everyone to join, so that we can continue the spirit of this wonderful forum and channel it into new online communities so that we can reach people who are not necessarily into our movie.

please check out this community and if you can, leave a message.  i'd love to start something positive from this.

peace, love and brokeback...

jake

[Erik]

Thx John... those are not the cheapest hotels i can see! Gay chic  Not exactly Ennis' style.. 
The one in Aspen is nice.. you destroy me!

[Sebastian]

There's an article in the New York Times today about a South Korean movie called King and the Clown which has become the most popular movie ever in that country. It's the story of a love triangle with a king [duh] and two clowns [both male - one 'masculine,' one 'feminine']. http://select.nytimes.com/mem/tnt.html?emc=tnt&tntget=2006/03/31/world/asia/31korea.html&tntemail1=y [you have to register to get to the site]

anyway, it's causing quite a stir, and opening up conversations about homosexuality which was only removed from the 'socially unacceptable' list in 2004. even straight men are crying watching the movie. sound familiar? 

[BayCityJohn]

Thx John... those are not the cheapest hotels i can see! Gay chic  Not exactly Ennis' style.. 
The one in Aspen is nice.. you destroy me!

Erik: You really need to call the hotels ahead of time. Ask to speak to the manager and tell them who you are. If they have a problem they'll let you know.
Some states have anti-discrimination laws that cover 'housing', and that usually includes hotels. But just because there might not be a law doesn't mean the hotel will discriminate. Most smaller hotels and motels don't care, they're happy to get your money.
I remember staying at a cheap hotel in Flagstaff, Arizona about 25 years ago. We got a king-size bed. We stayed for 4 days with no problem. This hotel had the infamous 'Magic Fingers Bed'. If you can find a hotel like that you can bet they want you to stay!

Quote of the Day: "If it's Tourist Season, why can't we shoot them?"