How Brokeback affected me

[Poohbunn]

Don't ask me why, but my gut says posting this is some kind of healing for me.

Don't be sorry Garry. That's what we're hear for.  You should also visit the "support group" thread.

One of the hardest lessons to learn is that life is just so doggone unfair.  What makes it easier to take is finding people who understand you.  Let that healing continue here for as long as you need to.
Hugs, Pooh

[Erik]

so that explains the Unbroken ..... they're epiduralised, in reverse.  they're numb from the waist up!

Dead from the neck up? 

I still don't understand why some people "get it" and some don't.  I can't see how anyone at all can see that film and not be affected somehow.
-- Pooh

Me neither! But there are lot out there that don't get it! Yesterday i was just out of curiosity reading online reviews and visiting some forums. It really surprised to read all their complete misunderstanding. Some people even said that there was NO love in the movie whatsoever... NO LOVE? How could anyone say such a thing.. you must be very bitter or ignorant not to recognize the love in the movie...

[Zuraffo]

Jaded may be the more fitting expression. Of course I don't deny there are some who are just ignorant...

Me neither! But there are lot out there that don't get it! Yesterday i was just out of curiosity reading online reviews and visiting some forums. It really surprised to read all their complete misunderstanding. Some people even said that there was NO love in the movie whatsoever... NO LOVE? How could anyone say such a thing.. you must be very bitter or ignorant not to recognize the love in the movie...

[1224butternut]

I started out may day getting ready for work with the Today Show on the TV in the kitchen.  As I was washing dishes, the Brokeback Mountain DVD ad came on (background music "The Wings" of course) and I just started crying with my hands in the dishwater.  Oh my god!!  I hope I am not in a department store in the television department when it comes on again. 

[mcnell1120]

I started out may day getting ready for work with the Today Show on the TV in the kitchen. As I was washing dishes, the Brokeback Mountain DVD ad came on (background music "The Wings" of course) and I just started crying with my hands in the dishwater. Oh my god!! I hope I am not in a department store in the television department when it comes on again.

You are too funny....A few weeks ago I was in Sears by the TV section and was waiting in line with my sister.I embarrassed the hell out of myself when they showed a clip of what I thought was the movie. I got all excited and shouted really loud,"look,there's Jack Twist ,there's Jack rodeo'ing".....like a little kid squealing away...my sister and everyone else just glared at me and my 'sis says..."stupid,calm down,that ain't Jack Twist,that's just a commercial about some cowboy thing".....I didn't know where to put my face........at that time,everything cowboy,every mountain reminded me of this movie,I was so obsessed.  Driving my car I would be balling listening to the CD and people would look at me at the red light.One time a cop car pulled next to me and actually gave me this look,got me off guard,thought he was going to pull me over!!!  Can you image the look on his face when I tell him why?....... so buddy...you are not alone...........

Nellie

[strazeme]

Tell you what ... truth is .... nothing ended, nothing begun, nothing resolved.  I've been ripped open by Brokeback, and I've been expecting it to somehow lead me to an answer.  Guess it's been there all along, Annie's final words, "There was some open space between what he knew and what he wanted to believe, but nothing could be done about it, and if you can't fix it you've got to stand it.                                                             That's Ennis ... that's me.  I'm just about the same age as Ennis is now, about 20 years after that final scene.  Guess I'm even more hopeless than he was then.  What I know and what I'm trying to believe, there's too much open space there.  I'm trying to believe I can salvage my life, but what I know is that I'm lost.  I've been living my life just going through the paces, like Ennis doing what's expected of us ... it doesn't matter what you want or what you feel ..why even bother to find out ... you just do what you've gotta do ... and it's all supposed to turn out all right.                                                                          Somewhere I lost my way, lost my roadmap.  And now Ennis and Jack have given me a glimpse of life, a moment of dozy embrace happiness ... and I feel so deprived, I don't even have the shirts.  I'm not expecting a blueberry-whiskey spring, just a moment of happiness.                       But the sad part is, I don't even know where to go.  I've tried to replay my whole life, trying to find a tiny piece of love, a little bit of happiness, so I could go back there and try to re-start my life in a better direction.  And I asked myself what would make me happy, and I don't know.  What do I want out of life .. don't know.  My life has been on auto-pilot, no big problems, lots of small satisfactions, but now Jack and Ennis have shown me that even in their difficult, deprived lives, happiness is still possible.                                                                       I've been pretending everything is OK, but it's not.  I've even fooled myself.  Does anyone have a copy of Living for Dummies?  What started out as a hurting for Ennis and Jack has turned into a much bigger hurt for myself.  And without any direction, I'm afraid I'm a lost cause.  And it's too hard to stay torn up like this if it's going nowhere.  I need to somehow pull myself back together .. put all my feelings back in the bottle.  It's like Annie's coathanger that's straightened to open a locked car, then torqued back to its original shape.  Nothing resolved.  I'll just keep wandering around, lost, see if something ..anything.. can make it better.  And I'll watch Brokeback DVD till I've memorized every line.  Where am I going ... don't know.  Maybe I was better off before Brokeback, not knowing how bad off I really am.  Because now I can't forget.  So I have to stand it.

[BayCityJohn]

Me neither! But there are lot out there that don't get it! Yesterday i was just out of curiosity reading online reviews and visiting some forums. It really surprised to read all their complete misunderstanding. Some people even said that there was NO love in the movie whatsoever... NO LOVE? How could anyone say such a thing.. you must be very bitter or ignorant not to recognize the love in the movie...

I'm not surprised that some people don't get it. My best friend's daughter thought 'Titantic' was the greatest movie ever. I thought it was just ok.
A lot of people don't understand why I don't 'get' Christianity and the Bible.

I guess if a book or amovie doesn't have anything that you can relate to personally it's not going to affect you too much.
Brokeback Mountain is OUR movie. It was given to US. It's not for everybody, it's special.

[DaveinPhilly]

Next to the driver’s seat in my truck is an eclectic pile of CDs; but the one that gets the most playtime, of course, is Brokeback Mountain.  Teddy Thompson’s song of yearning about not wanting to say goodbye just kills me.  “A Love That Never Grows Old” gives me goose bumps and a heart ache; the tears start to flow when I think of Jack returning home disappointed and listening to that song in his beat up truck.  I hope the DVD sound engineer cranked up that song because it hurts so bad/good.

Strangely enough, when I first saw BBM, I reminisced about my childhood growing up on a military base, learning to ride horses at the visiting rodeos, and listening to country & western music.  How I enjoyed cowboy and WWII films—the shoot-em-up buddy films that were so common in the early 60s.  Hmm-- what could be wrong here when you relate more to the buddy relationship than to that of the protagonist and his girlfriend (there were actually few women in the cowboy war films)? To which undoubtedly many of you on this site will say—Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be?

That’s enough for now because it’s time for a pitcher of draft with the guys.

Pitcher of draft sounds great. Your feeling are so well expressed. Teddy Thompson's song is to me the perfect sond of Brokeback (yeah, I know everyone likes the others better). His CD Seperate Ways is great too.

I can sure recall the old moveis you speak of. I too was not focused on the guy/gal relatinships. Camaraderie - what a great thing. Seems like it was driven underground as soon as gay people began to come out. What are American men afraid of...?!

DaveinPhilly

[BayCityJohn]

                                                                 I've been pretending everything is OK, but it's not.  I've even fooled myself.  Does anyone have a copy of Living for Dummies?  What started out as a hurting for Ennis and Jack has turned into a much bigger hurt for myself.  And without any direction, I'm afraid I'm a lost cause.  And it's too hard to stay torn up like this if it's going nowhere.  I need to somehow pull myself back together .. put all my feelings back in the bottle.  It's like Annie's coathanger that's straightened to open a locked car, then torqued back to its original shape.  Nothing resolved.  I'll just keep wandering around, lost, see if something ..anything.. can make it better.  And I'll watch Brokeback DVD till I've memorized every line.  Where am I going ... don't know.  Maybe I was better off before Brokeback, not knowing how bad off I really am.  Because now I can't forget.  So I have to stand it.

You're certainly not alone strazeme.
I still haven't figured out how to make it better. But I have made a commitment to figuring it out.
I had to see Brokeback Mountain several times before things really started to make sense. I already have every line memorized.
I usually visit Saugatuck once or twice a year, so if you ever want to talk about the movie this summer let me know. I'd rather do that than sit in the bar at the Dunes all afternoon.

[conny]

Strazeme,my heart goes out for you and a lot of what you`re feeling and what BBM had gotten you,i have felt or feeling the same.
It brought me back in my past and in a big depression.But BBM also brought some sence into me that i didn`t want to end my life like Ennis did.
I deserve to ben happy again,i wanna love again,just because i`m worth it! and so are you!!

I live alone and until the movie that was ok,never was lonely.But after the BBM lonelyness struck me,and that realy was a strange feeling.
I found out that if i want things to happen in another way,i`m the one that has to take some steps. So i called my therapist and i now am having hypno/regression sessions.I am going  to the darkest places of my past,re-living it all over again,the abuse,the misunderstanding,the uncertain feeling of what is diffenrent/wrong with me,the way my parrents reacted or the lac of it,the love i ran away from,and how i`ve build up that big wall around me.
And it`s realy hard,but it also helping a lot.because when i get there,i can heal that person i was back than and  at the same time i am healing myself right now!
got a second session last week and after that,instead of seeing the sun shining,i could feel it a bit too.And i know now that things are changing,not there yet,but in time i`ll be ok again.
And i thank BBM for that,it has openend my eyes in a very hard,but nessecary way!!

I hope one day,you find you peace as well!!

[1224butternut]

Tell you what ... truth is .... nothing ended, nothing begun, nothing resolved.  I've been ripped open by Brokeback, and I've been expecting it to somehow lead me to an answer.  Guess it's been there all along, Annie's final words, "There was some open space between what he knew and what he wanted to believe, but nothing could be done about it, and if you can't fix it you've got to stand it.                                                             That's Ennis ... that's me.  I'm just about the same age as Ennis is now, about 20 years after that final scene.  Guess I'm even more hopeless than he was then.  What I know and what I'm trying to believe, there's too much open space there.  I'm trying to believe I can salvage my life, but what I know is that I'm lost.  I've been living my life just going through the paces, like Ennis doing what's expected of us ... it doesn't matter what you want or what you feel ..why even bother to find out ... you just do what you've gotta do ... and it's all supposed to turn out all right.                                                                          Somewhere I lost my way, lost my roadmap.  And now Ennis and Jack have given me a glimpse of life, a moment of dozy embrace happiness ... and I feel so deprived, I don't even have the shirts.  I'm not expecting a blueberry-whiskey spring, just a moment of happiness.                       But the sad part is, I don't even know where to go.  I've tried to replay my whole life, trying to find a tiny piece of love, a little bit of happiness, so I could go back there and try to re-start my life in a better direction.  And I asked myself what would make me happy, and I don't know.  What do I want out of life .. don't know.  My life has been on auto-pilot, no big problems, lots of small satisfactions, but now Jack and Ennis have shown me that even in their difficult, deprived lives, happiness is still possible.                                                                       I've been pretending everything is OK, but it's not.  I've even fooled myself.  Does anyone have a copy of Living for Dummies?  What started out as a hurting for Ennis and Jack has turned into a much bigger hurt for myself.  And without any direction, I'm afraid I'm a lost cause.  And it's too hard to stay torn up like this if it's going nowhere.  I need to somehow pull myself back together .. put all my feelings back in the bottle.  It's like Annie's coathanger that's straightened to open a locked car, then torqued back to its original shape.  Nothing resolved.  I'll just keep wandering around, lost, see if something ..anything.. can make it better.  And I'll watch Brokeback DVD till I've memorized every line.  Where am I going ... don't know.  Maybe I was better off before Brokeback, not knowing how bad off I really am.  Because now I can't forget.  So I have to stand it.

Your situation is all too familiar to everyone here.  The movie gets into the center of your life, exploding apart what you have so neatly assembled.   The movie apparently does not go away with time, so you have to reassemble your life around it: work, hobbies, friends, etc.  I used to play guitar daily.  I have picked up the guitar 4 times in the last two months for 5 minutes each time.  (Although I did spend sometime playing "the Wings" when I found the fingering.)  So keep reassembling your life and take the movie along with you.  You cannot assume it will go away and everything will return to normal.  I can't stand it, so I have to fix it.  Go forward.

[DaveinPhilly]

Sorry about this...

I knew this was coming. I felt it yesterday. What is it with this story and film? It rips a layer off of me I had buried so deep, a place I hadn't thought to look there in years. Then, after a few days, I get some perspective on that part of myself and a sense of peace and clarity for a few days. The next thing I know, here comes something else I thought I had dealt with, and it comes up to stomp on me some more. You just couldn't go through my generation as a gay man and not be touched in some endless fashion by death. Three men that befriended me the first year I was publicly out, they made dam sure I knew what was going on... And in a year, all three of them were dead of AIDS. What the hell is going on with me, what is digging all of this stuff up. Hell, I'm even getting flashes from the car wreck again. Little ones I admit. And each, I bounce off of with a feeling like it's time. I can deal with this, mourn it, and get on with my life. What next? Am I going to go through all of those dreams of the operations to reassemble my arms? Truth, I don't even want to face that horror again. When those where trying to first surface, I lost all sense of who I was and what I wanted from life. It's only in the last year I could ride in a car with someone else driving without hitting panic attacks every so often.

You know, I get to feeling like this, and I don't know if I really want this to end, it's like I want free of all of this. I want my life back. Or at least, a life that lets me feel like I'm doing something besides treading water in a shoreless sea.... No... putting this away, deleting it... that don't work... so..
Don't ask me why, but my gut says posting this is some kind of healing for me.

Get it out man. Healing is what Brokeback is all about. I know I've found a great deal of healing from it. Remeniscences, memories of all our dear dear friends who died in those days when even the president of this nation wouldn't utter the word AIDS. Yes it was a tragedy and it doesn't have to be this way anymore. Let the memories live, but put them aside so they don't stop you from moving forward. You can always go back and treasure them, but this is our life and our future we're talking about here .

Glad to know you Gary_LH!!!

DaveinPhilly

[Jenny]

strazeme-- I feel such sadness listening to your pain I can hardly stand it.  If there were any answers in Brokeback Mountain, they were that great love can persevere even in the face of overwhelming self-hatred, fear, and guilt.  Though Ennis lost Jack, and paid a heavy price for having loved him and been unable to say so,he would not let that love and what it told him about his true self fade, even after Jack was dead and there was nothing he could do to fix it.  At the end of the movie we see Ennis able to see his daughter's love and show her that her love is important enough to him that he will find a way to be there for her at her wedding-- something he couldn't do for Jack while Jack lived. Ennis has something more in his life than poverty, hard work and loneliness because he connected with another person who truly saw him as he was.  Despite all the pain he had, he would also have his memories of Jack and the times when he loved and was loved with a whole heart.  And so he could love his daughter more truly.

But not everyone finds a great love.  No one really gets to rewind their lives and unmake their choices.  The best many of us can do is to try to be our true selves in what we do and say, and to take the risk of trying new things, meeting new people, opening oneself to them in friendship.  Most of all, we try to cultivate hope.  It's so damned hard, sometimes...I know that.  But to the extent that it's possible on a forum, over an internet connection, let me give you a hug and a hand up.  Mourn your losses, but don't forget that there are possibilities for renewal and even growth once you've been cracked open.  When you're going through Hell, keep going.  You might find that you are on a road out after all, and that the journey gets easierafter a while.

Ennis said something to Jack in the story: "You're goin a go where you look."  One step at a time, Friend.

[clcny1]

Tell you what ... truth is .... nothing ended, nothing begun, nothing resolved.  I've been ripped open by Brokeback, and I've been expecting it to somehow lead me to an answer.  Guess it's been there all along, Annie's final words, "There was some open space between what he knew and what he wanted to believe, but nothing could be done about it, and if you can't fix it you've got to stand it.                                                             That's Ennis ... that's me.  I'm just about the same age as Ennis is now, about 20 years after that final scene.  Guess I'm even more hopeless than he was then.  What I know and what I'm trying to believe, there's too much open space there.  I'm trying to believe I can salvage my life, but what I know is that I'm lost.  I've been living my life just going through the paces, like Ennis doing what's expected of us ... it doesn't matter what you want or what you feel ..why even bother to find out ... you just do what you've gotta do ... and it's all supposed to turn out all right.                                                                          Somewhere I lost my way, lost my roadmap.  And now Ennis and Jack have given me a glimpse of life, a moment of dozy embrace happiness ... and I feel so deprived, I don't even have the shirts.  I'm not expecting a blueberry-whiskey spring, just a moment of happiness.                       But the sad part is, I don't even know where to go.  I've tried to replay my whole life, trying to find a tiny piece of love, a little bit of happiness, so I could go back there and try to re-start my life in a better direction.  And I asked myself what would make me happy, and I don't know.  What do I want out of life .. don't know.  My life has been on auto-pilot, no big problems, lots of small satisfactions, but now Jack and Ennis have shown me that even in their difficult, deprived lives, happiness is still possible.                                                                       I've been pretending everything is OK, but it's not.  I've even fooled myself.  Does anyone have a copy of Living for Dummies?  What started out as a hurting for Ennis and Jack has turned into a much bigger hurt for myself.  And without any direction, I'm afraid I'm a lost cause.  And it's too hard to stay torn up like this if it's going nowhere.  I need to somehow pull myself back together .. put all my feelings back in the bottle.  It's like Annie's coathanger that's straightened to open a locked car, then torqued back to its original shape.  Nothing resolved.  I'll just keep wandering around, lost, see if something ..anything.. can make it better.  And I'll watch Brokeback DVD till I've memorized every line.  Where am I going ... don't know.  Maybe I was better off before Brokeback, not knowing how bad off I really am.  Because now I can't forget.  So I have to stand it.

strazeme
We are all part Ennis and/or part Jack. I felt an incredible depression and sadness come over me when I realized too I was just going through the motions and existing. The great/painful thing about this experience is that even though you're questioning your direction now, your senses are more heightened to realize maybe what you may need and want in the future. I dont know what I want or need but I guess time will tell. I think it took me several weeks to realize the fictional love we saw portrayed on screen was so real and profound that some of us may never experience it to that degree. Maybe that's the romantic in me hoping and waiting for what Jack and Ennis had but to wait for a similarly extraordinary bond maybe it just a tad unrealistic to hope for. For many of us who lost our way without the road map, now we're concentrating on looking ahead down the road ,however rocky and painful that may be.
Best to you. Clcny1

[alma]

and often under-rated and overlooked.

Forster underrated and overlooked? Hardly i thought!

How often is he taught? Not as often as I'd like. My husband is an MA in literature and he never studied him once in all those years. Not the body of critical work on Forster as some other British authors, either. It exists, but you have to sort of dig for it. A Passage to India is his crowning achievement but I feel like his other writing just hasn't got the same street cred with the academics... Correct me if I'm wrong, but my impression has been that he is appreciated, but not celebrated to the degree that other British authors are.