How Brokeback affected me

[moonbeam]

There's no one in my life that I can talk to, and I'm hurting so bad. I can hardly bring myself to post this publicly, but I have to say it to someone, and I'm so thankful you guys are here.

BBM brought back all those memories that had been put away for so many years;memories that had begun to fade with time. Then suddenly I could think of nothing else and everything was vivid in my mind again.

My search for Billy has ended.  This afternoon I received confirmation that he passed away several years ago.  I just can't hardly stand it.  There's so much I wanted to say to him.  I feel so utterly alone now.  I've never had to grieve before. 

For several weeks I've had the feeling that he might be gone because my search wouldn't turn up anything, nothing.  Last week I drove 650 miles round trip to his high school in Georgia, just trying to find his picture in an old yearbook.  When I got there I found the yearbooks for those years were missing.

Who would have guessed that the school librarian would be the key.  When I told her Billy's name, she said she thought he might be the grandfather of one of the students at the school. She offered to bring in the student, but I told her I didn't think it would be proper for me to question a student.  She said she would find out and call me.  The call came this morning. 

The child said her grandmother (Billy's wife Ruth) lives in Atlanta, and there was a phone number.  I called Ruth a little while ago.  She was very cordial, remembered me from years ago, and invited me to come visit.  At first I declined, but she insisted, so I go to Atlanta next week.

Meanwhile the tears won't stop.  My wife noticed this afternoon but I just shrugged it off.  She knows nothing of Billy.  How do you explain to your wife that you're going out of town to meet another woman who was the wife of the man you've loved for fifty years? 

And then there's Ruth.  Is she going to see it in my face?  OMG, this is probably a big mistake, but if I don't make the trip, I'll never know what I must know.

Paul Mejack

omg, good luck. I know that there is nothing I can really say to offer you comfort... just know that, Ennis and Jack's love did not die with Jack, and you and Billy's love does not have to die with him... omg, I wish you all the best. I am crying for you...

[andy]

Paul, go the way your heart takes you and try to put this to rest once and for all. You need closure mate.
All the very best to you.
Andy.

[Basqueboy]

am i alone in thinking that on some level, alma jr. knows? 

god, i love this forum.

garry - i dig it.  we're all in this together, man.



jake

Sure she does! Don't you remember she saying 'he isn't the marrying guy' to Cassie? For me this is all the evidence I needed...

[alma]

Umm... I broke down in tears, actually.  And yeah, he's a wonderful guy.  He just keeps on coming back and standing right there next to me, no matter what.  I'm damn lucky, and I know it.

I loved the conversation between you and your husband. I felt the same way after watching the film with my husband. I felt lucky to have him and that I just didn't want to waste any more time. No more blase, let life get in the way of love for me/for us. It's been just about two months since we saw the film and I think our marriage has blossomed! It's been a good marriage anyway, but since the movie, I just feel so much more conscious of being grateful and attentive... like I want to live what Jack and Ennis didn't get to live but so wanted.

Thanks for sharing.

[City Girl]

There's no one in my life that I can talk to, and I'm hurting so bad. I can hardly bring myself to post this publicly, but I have to say it to someone, and I'm so thankful you guys are here.

BBM brought back all those memories that had been put away for so many years;memories that had begun to fade with time. Then suddenly I could think of nothing else and everything was vivid in my mind again.

My search for Billy has ended.  This afternoon I received confirmation that he passed away several years ago.  I just can't hardly stand it.  There's so much I wanted to say to him.  I feel so utterly alone now.  I've never had to grieve before. 

For several weeks I've had the feeling that he might be gone because my search wouldn't turn up anything, nothing.  Last week I drove 650 miles round trip to his high school in Georgia, just trying to find his picture in an old yearbook.  When I got there I found the yearbooks for those years were missing.

Who would have guessed that the school librarian would be the key.  When I told her Billy's name, she said she thought he might be the grandfather of one of the students at the school. She offered to bring in the student, but I told her I didn't think it would be proper for me to question a student.  She said she would find out and call me.  The call came this morning. 

The child said her grandmother (Billy's wife Ruth) lives in Atlanta, and there was a phone number.  I called Ruth a little while ago.  She was very cordial, remembered me from years ago, and invited me to come visit.  At first I declined, but she insisted, so I go to Atlanta next week.

Meanwhile the tears won't stop.  My wife noticed this afternoon but I just shrugged it off.  She knows nothing of Billy.  How do you explain to your wife that you're going out of town to meet another woman who was the wife of the man you've loved for fifty years? 

And then there's Ruth.  Is she going to see it in my face?  OMG, this is probably a big mistake, but if I don't make the trip, I'll never know what I must know.

Paul Mejack

omg, good luck. I know that there is nothing I can really say to offer you comfort... just know that, Ennis and Jack's love did not die with Jack, and you and Billy's love does not have to die with him... omg, I wish you all the best. I am crying for you...

Paul,
I am so very sorry for what you are going through.  I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like.  I know I can't begin to offer anything to lessen your pain, I am utterly at a loss for words.  My very best wishes to you and I wish you the very best of good luck as you endure your grief.  This thing called love really does require the strong, the brave, and it is the thing in life that can cause us the most pain but, who and what in the world would we be without it?  Many people just let go of love when it becomes difficult rather than endure.  Without going on with a lot of platitudes, I think the love you felt for Billy all these years, ennobles you.

Again, my very best.  Grace     

[MindyM]

Something interesting just struck me about their first parting. We're used to thinking of Ennis as the practical one - over practical in fact to the point of not be able to escape form his fated choices - while Jack is the dreamer, right? Well, think about the circumstances of their first parting. Firstly, Ennis is clearly reluctant to leave - he has an unrealistic expectation of continuing on - though of course he knows it won't happen. Meanwhile, Jack just gets on with packing up. Jack steals Ennis's shirt as a memento, because he realises they may never meet again. He makes his attempt at arranging to meet up with Ennis the next year and then has to watch him go. Ennis however is clearly in denial by this time and acts kind of emotionally dead to Jack's pleas (He's basically in shock). Only after they part does the full enormity of what he has done, or failed to do, hit him in the guts. The point is that reality and dreams don't easily separate. Yes, Jack is always trying to dream, but because of that he is also always dreaming up practical ways to make his dreams come true. Ennis, trapped in a life without dreams or hope, makes no such plans and repeatedly finds himself out of touch with the people around him.

And the worst of it is - he is so loving. He lives his life in fear of not being accepted for who he is - when everyone who really knows him loves him. Maybe his only real salvation at the end of the film will come from that love - Alma Jr. will never desert him; so maybe he won't end up as the sad, lonely old man who inspired Annie Proulx to write the story in the first place.

This is what got me right between the eyes.  This is me, I am a people pleaser and I do live in fear of not being accepted for who I am, even on this forum.  Now I know more about why Ennis touched me so deeply.  I saw a part of myself.  Some of your responses have hurt me very much.  So someone else's abandonment trumps mine?  I have spent a good part of my adult life coming to terms with this issue and I have been able to get beyond it.  Maybe I should not have brought it up.  So many here seem to think that it would be a piece of cake for Ennis to have his daughters and Jack too.  I don't see it that way.  I do think he always seemed to have excuses for not living with Jack, but I don't think his daughters represented a convenient out for him.  I still think he genuinely loved them - what was he supposed to do - Jack didn't drive all the way over there to spend quality time with Ennis's kids.  I also do not think that parents have to completely obliterate themselves for the happiness of their children and that is not what I was saying.  But I am starting to cry now at some of the responses to my heartfelt comments, so I can't write anymore.  I wish I could be as sure of everything as some of you seem to be.

And Jenny's hubby got it just right. The two of them never say,'I love you' but in their way they both know it. In fact, I think they kind of know and don't know, if that makes sense. Especially Ennis I think knows the strength of his feelings but can't bring himself to acknowledge that it is love. Jack more likely knows it is love. But even then, it begs the question of why he never says it. I don't think sensitivity to Ennis's feelings is a complete explanation. Jack clearly wants to push things to a head to try to get Ennis to come with him and what better way could there be than to state the obvious and confront Ennis with the reality of his feelings? The trouble is, I think, that their male conditioning is so thorough that even Jack cannot bring himself to say it, even though he probably knows it. We see Ennis's reaction to Jack's visits to Mexico. In part that is no doubt pain - a sense of betrayal and of self-despite: look what I have driven him to. But also this is a sign of his deep fear of gay sexuality. If he doesn't want to think of Jack as attracted to men generally, for reasons other than jealousy, rather because he won't think through the nature of their relationship - I ain't queer - then Jack is denied the use of the one thing that might have broken the log-jam. They can admit to having sex with one another, they can admit they need one another and have feelings for one another, but to admit they love one another would question who and what they are and neither of them are fully capable of doing that. I've been searching for a review - a particularly good one - where the reviewer points out that this film for the first time exposes the psychological cost of the closet. That's what I'm trying to point to here.

[alma]

Meanwhile the tears won't stop.  My wife noticed this afternoon but I just shrugged it off.  She knows nothing of Billy.  How do you explain to your wife that you're going out of town to meet another woman who was the wife of the man you've loved for fifty years? 

And then there's Ruth.  Is she going to see it in my face?  OMG, this is probably a big mistake, but if I don't make the trip, I'll never know what I must know.

I admire your courage! What a brave thing you will do! May the gods be with you in your pursuit of wholeness. This is far from a mistake. It is a step to recovering Billy for yourself and healing the hiddenness. Thanks for letting us be a part of that journey. Who knows how this experience will be used in your life, but I for one am looking forward to finding out.

[MindyM]

My reply got all mixed up in Redbrit's comments, so if it's confusing I didn't mean it to be.  I just feel really bad about some of the comments that have been posted in response to my thoughts about the scene with Ennis and his girls and Jack coming to be with him.  I was hurt by some of them and I am too upset to talk anymore.  I think maybe some people should remember that we are just human beings here trying to make some sense out of a movie and characters that really touched a chord in us.  But I don't like feeling like I should be ashamed of what I think or say.  I see things the way I see them and I try to have the courage to question things I don't understand or look inside myself to see things I may not want to see.  That's all I wanted to say for now.

[Mejack]

Meanwhile the tears won't stop.  My wife noticed this afternoon but I just shrugged it off.  She knows nothing of Billy.  How do you explain to your wife that you're going out of town to meet another woman who was the wife of the man you've loved for fifty years? 

And then there's Ruth.  Is she going to see it in my face?  OMG, this is probably a big mistake, but if I don't make the trip, I'll never know what I must know.

I admire your courage! What a brave thing you will do! May the gods be with you in your pursuit of wholeness. This is far from a mistake. It is a step to recovering Billy for yourself and healing the hiddenness. Thanks for letting us be a part of that journey. Who knows how this experience will be used in your life, but I for one am looking forward to finding out.

Thanks, Alma. 

When I started searching for Billy after 50 years, I just wanted to know if he was alive, if he was happy, if life had treated him well.  Nothing more.  I'll find my answers now.

Paul / Mejack

[couzins43]

I can't seem to get it out of my head. I am obsessed with it. I think because it makes me think about all the regrets I have. Things I wish I had done differently, the wasted time.
...
This film is like a knife in the heart too. You so want a happy ending for them, but when you don't get it, you left feeling so miserable, like it had happened to you.
...

snuffle007: My sentiments exactly. After seeing the film the first time – like you alone in the theater – I was speechless. On the drive home it was like something in my head was saying over and over "You can't end up like Ennis?”. The day after I found myself consumed with this beautiful yet devastating love story. The following weekend, I saw it again and the dialogue really kicked in. I think the first time my mind glossed over some of their exchanges because of Ennis’s accent and the sound at the theater. But the second time, I got it all. I was a bumbling idiot by the time I got home. The days after, my emotions utterly consumed me to the point that I just didn’t want to leave the couch. I’m coming to terms now, and my outlook is that I can't change my past, but I can definitely change my future. I really do get it now. I’ve seen the film a third time since and it just reaffirms my feelings. I came across this site a few days back and just let it out. It has helped me a lot the past few days. I still choke up from time to time, especially reading others reactions and comments, but a good cry never hurt anyone. In fact it’s healthy. I believe this film will change many lives – gay or straight. So here's a woodsy smelling corduroy jacket hug thanking you for your post.

[wyomen]

Sorry to break in here but I just wanted to give an update from Wyoming:

Brokeback Mountain is opening here tomorrow. This last week our local paper has been full of articles, ads and letters both for and against the movie. So far the positive letters have been winning out. It has been a blast to watch all this happen now that the DVD is coming out so soon.

I have had people that I hardly know look me up to ask me to go to the movie with them. I am getting quite a posse together to see the movie. Either they don't want to go alone or they are afraid the religious right will picket the theater. I guess I'm not as far in the closet as I thought!

We have had reports of fighting spouses coming from the wives saying they want to see the movie and the husband saying no. So far the wives are winning.

I talked to a lady from Riverton, WY today and she said their local theater would not show BBM. Some people in town chartered a bus and drove to Thermopolis, WY to see it. She said they had lots of alchohol and snacks for the trip up but noone talked on the way back. She said the feelings in Riverton are as stirred up there as they are here.

I will write back tomorrow after the marque goes up and I am sure that it is here. I have opened up my schedule to see it at least once a day. As you might be able to tell I am really pumped up for this.

[Cameron816]

I can't seem to get it out of my head. I am obsessed with it. I think because it makes me think about all the regrets I have. Things I wish I had done differently, the wasted time.
...
This film is like a knife in the heart too. You so want a happy ending for them, but when you don't get it, you left feeling so miserable, like it had happened to you.
...

snuffle007: My sentiments exactly. After seeing the film the first time – like you alone in the theater – I was speechless. On the drive home it was like something in my head was saying over and over "You can't end up like Ennis?”. The day after I found myself consumed with this beautiful yet devastating love story. The following weekend, I saw it again and the dialogue really kicked in. I think the first time my mind glossed over some of their exchanges because of Ennis’s accent and the sound at the theater. But the second time, I got it all. I was a bumbling idiot by the time I got home. The days after, my emotions utterly consumed me to the point that I just didn’t want to leave the couch. I’m coming to terms now, and my outlook is that I can't change my past, but I can definitely change my future. I really do get it now. I’ve seen the film a third time since and it just reaffirms my feelings. I came across this site a few days back and just let it out. It has helped me a lot the past few days. I still choke up from time to time, especially reading others reactions and comments, but a good cry never hurt anyone. In fact it’s healthy. I believe this film will change many lives – gay or straight. So here's a woodsy smelling corduroy jacket hug thanking you for your post.

You guy's I've experienced the same.  I now see this movie as an intervention.  This is my wake up call, and I've got to move forward and make changes.  For right now, I just wish I could find someone at my level to experience this journey together. 

[whiplash]

One feature of great art is the ability to present a concrete form with elements that are open to interpretation and that can only be answered in our own hearts.  The continuing discussion here about these elements is testament to the great art of this film.  We just never see anything on film that stimulates such discussion and exploration of our own feelings in the context of the film as BBM has.  The longer we explore this film, the more it withstands our scrutiny and stimulates more discussion.  It becomes more amazing as time goes by.  Truly great film making.  The best I have seen in my life...maybe ever.

I agree with you completely Butternut.  This is what makes this film more than a movie - it is art!  I would agree with you, I think this may be the best movie I have seen in my life... hopefully, not ever.

[Jenny]

Another thing that strikes me as really fine about the way your husband saw things (apart from the whole reach of his appreciation, which was so able to feel with Jack and Ennis) is that he didn't get hung up on the physical stuff, the kissing or fucking, which seems so often to be where even the most positive straight men's responses end up.

Well, that was interesting.  I asked him if he had any trouble with them kissing and having sex on screen, and he said, not really, but he was a whole lot more comfortable with the Snit than with the Fnit.  He said that during the Fnit he kept thinking, "Wow, that has to hurt!"  I asked him if the Fnit seemed really abrupt to him, and he said:  "Well, neither of those guys was going to come out and say anything about being interested in getting it on.  And Jack was really flirting with him.  So I figure Ennis was feeling pretty horny and trying to keep from thinking about it too much, and then they get drunk and end up in the tent and Jack makes it real clear that he wants some action.  And Ennis just reacts."  So what about the Snit, I ask. "Well, he tells himself it doesn't mean they're queer, and he makes sure Jack knows he isn't, really, but once you've let it happen, you might as well really let go and enjoy it while you can.  He thinks everything will go back to normal once they go back down the mountain."  So what does Jack think?  My husband grinned and said: "Fast or slow, I just like the direction you're goin'."

 

 

[Poohbunn]

And then there's Ruth.  Is she going to see it in my face?  OMG, this is probably a big mistake, but if I don't make the trip, I'll never know what I must know.

Paul Mejack

Trust your heart, Paul.  I always believe the truth, gentle told is best, but you won't know that until you meet Ruth.  I think your wife will understand too, if you tell her it was a different kind of love than the one you share with her.  But again, you need to trust your heart. Only you will know what is right.