How Brokeback affected me

[mcnell1120]

Sweet Jackie and mi hermana,

You know why I call you that,don't you?..."MI HERMANA"..."my sister" to those who don't know the spanish term.....it's because we are so much alike in so many ways. I do understand you totally. But I must say you're anything and everything but foolish. Foolish is when we stand back and talk to ourselves,not trying to make a point,not tryin to shine as you do. I swear,you made a difference in so many people's lives girl,you really have no clue.

I'm glad you say what you do say,glad that you're there for everyone,as often as you can. I stand back and read all your replies to people and sometimes my heart swells up inside...wanting so badly to hug you...wishing we lived closer...damn!

But I know this will be okay...there is a reason for everything. I just feel blessed that I have you,that I have a few of you I can always count on. It's okay to over analyze,we all do a little of that I think. But know that you are loved,and when we give you a good compliment....just zip your lips ...will ya?...bwahahha

I love you, "mi hermana"...just know that...okay?

Nellie xxoo

[paintedshoes]

Oh, Nellie, mi hermana, my sister, my heart,...when I saw that you answered this post, I started crying...even before I read what you had to say...

So...zip my lip, huh?  Bwahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!

I love you, Sister Mine!  I love you!!!!!!!!!!

[desertrat]

jackie, i would hope and love that one day you will really be able to see and understand how much of a difference you made and make in the lives of many, many people here. if you're ever able to feel that - from this moment on, i hope, you will never doubt yourself again. 

[andy]

I'll place myself as the thorn between the two roses of Nellie and Martina and add simply that you Jackie, are the embodiment of what this movie has done to us folks and continues to do through the most simple of encouragement and compassion. Don't change a damn thing lady!!

[JohnnyX]

Oooooh!!! My THREE favourite FEMALE brokies, all posting in a line! Wow!!
(And my fourth one is dear MelissasJack, who I miss in here these days).

AND what each one of you has in common, is the following:

1. You have consistently shown yourselves to be loving, caring, thoughtful, and compassionate people.  In welcoming new posters. In thoughtfully replying to posts. In always being here for anyone and everyone who needed and needs a hand.

2. You have each opened up to us HONESTLY about so much of yourselves. What trust you have each shown in the rest of us.

3. You have each in your writing shown that you have a high level of intelligence.

4. You have each provided INSPIRATION and HOPE for so many others on here.

May you each have lives of fulfillment and happiness; and may those in your daily face-to-face lives  know how lucky they are to have you in their midst -- as we in here know already.

With gratitude.
JohnnyX whose life has been enrichened by knowing each of you -- although we have never met face-to-face.

[andy]

Oh yeah, what Johnny says!!

[CellarDweller115]

1. You have consistently shown yourselves to be loving, caring, thoughtful, and compassionate people. In welcoming new posters. In thoughtfully replying to posts. In always being here for anyone and everyone who needed and needs a hand.

2. You have each opened up to us HONESTLY about so much of yourselves. What trust you have each shown in the rest of us.

3. You have each in your writing shown that you have a high level of intelligence.

4. You have each provided INSPIRATION and HOPE for so many others on here.

Could not have said it any better!  Nicely done, JohnnyX!

[paintedshoes]

jackie, i would hope and love that one day you will really be able to see and understand how much of a difference you made and make in the lives of many, many people here. if you're ever able to feel that - from this moment on, i hope, you will never doubt yourself again. 

I cannot promise that much, Martina, my Sunshine, but I can promise to try, and that it will be much easier with all of you around to cheer me, when I get foolish.   


Johnny, you are a doll.  Thank you.   

Thanks to all of you, my friends.  Enough now.  I'm going to work...

[Miral]

Hi. This is my first post, though I have been a reader of all the forums for a few months. I need help!! I'm sorry if this is personal, but I guess everyone seems to be OK with it.

As much as the movie has affected me, I am starting to wish I had never seen it--but not for any reasons I have read anywhere else.

First, assume I am in the same place as all of you...awed, deeply affected and so on. I have NEVER had a crush on an actor before, but Jake drives me crazy, and Heath's performance drives me crazy too. As a woman, I find the movie very erotic, touching both the sexual and romantic places in me--though perhaps that's not a good way to phrase it.

I am lucky enough to have met my soulmate and we've been married for 16 years. I went all out for love, showed people everything. That was just in my nature. We have a very good marriage, considering what we've gone though: long periods of unemployment, mental illness, an affair (mine, for reasons I will explain), strong differences in boundary styles, and so on. We have no kids by choice. He is my best friend and my best buddy.

But--he's not at ALL what you would call passionate. He has a skin disease that for many years has made him feel unattractive, even though he is really quite cute. We are extremely affectionate, but he doesn't show sexual longing at all. Most of all, he really doesn't like kissing. In bed, he is not bad in terms of the mechanics. Just the lack of passion. If I try to kiss him deeply and ask him if he likes it, he would shrug his shoulders and say, "It's OK." He does show an appreciation for my 36C assets. And by the way, I'm quite attractive and sexy. I'm 46, but in some neighborhoods still get passes from strangers on the street.

Unfortunately, we don't make a good match on that the thing that turns me on the most is feeling wanted, sexually desired. And he just can't show that--he doesn't often initiate and once we went months without having sex and he really didn't seem to notice. Part of this has to do with our personal relationship at the time, and part has to do with the fact that because of a bladder condition I have, we have to be VERY careful.

And yes, we HAVE tried to work on this in therapy. Done this for YEARS. What it comes down to is that it's really his issue, has nothing to do with me, and that there's really nothing I can do. I spent so long trying to communicate my needs that I just made everything worse because he felt criticized and rather shamed.

So I am droning on, trying to come to the point here.

Maybe 7 years ago, I felt so sexually ignored that I had an affair. I picked someone online who I really didn't have that much in common with, no one I would choose over my husband. Another married person who had the female version of my husband. His kisses were incredible. Every time he got within 6 feet of me he would get an errection. We actually kept it up for two years and we did fall into a kind of love. Husband found out--but strangely, he didn't seem to care as much as I thought he would. I stopped, of course...I really wasn't happy during that time because the contrast between lover and hubby were so great. It detracted, of course, from my marriage.

But it made me understand what I was missing completely.

Still trying to get to the point here.

In the past few years various medical problems I had (you don't want to know) made sex difficult, and on top of that my antideppressent takes away a lot of sexual desire. We are now trying to get back into having sex again. If we do, I have to make an appointment, pretty much. It sucks.

So, here comes (so to speak) BBM. Since they were seperated for so long, every sexual and romantic encounter (in the movie or dreamed up by a slash writer) turns into a passionate thrill ride and now I'm starting to feel that emptiness again, the lack of wanting. The obsession only makes it worse, thinking about the scenes or watching and whatever. (Anyone ever take a poll on how many times people watch the YouTube clips per day?).  My thoughts drift to real or imagined scenarios as as hot as it can be, it just leaves me feeling unsatisfied and depressed. I need more romance and more being wanted, but I don't think I'm ever going to get it again. Maybe unless I'm 60-something and if my husband dies, and something tells me I'll be too traumatized to enjoy it even then. It just seems like a terrible loss.

I haven't talked about this to ANYONE in real life.

I don't know what the cure is. I have a friend with a hi def big screen TV and I was planning on buying or renting that hi def version, but I'm not sure that's the best thing.

Is this happening to anyone else? Does anyone here understand? Please write.

Miral

[john john]

Hi Miral and welcome to the campsite!

Although I haven't been in a relationship for a long time (aargh!) I do remember the a time long ago of utter frustration when the passion went out the window and the sex became humdrum.
I was in a meaningless relationship (both sexually and emotionally) when I first saw BBM.
My problem was that seeing our boys fall in love made my 'love' life more difficult, the contrast being so great. I thought that my boyfriend would be 'stimulated' by the movie and that his libido would flare up somehow. To no avail. This man, believe it or not, wasn't into sex.Just my luck!!!
So I  understand some of your frustration Miral. I also wonder if someday I'll live a more meaningfull and fulfilling relationship, but the odds are against me, I'm getting old.
So I now see BBM as a sad beautiful story of what could have been, at least for the 'finding the man of my life part', I must remind myself that it is 'just' a story. To compare my own life to it was part of the gut punch I got when I first saw it. It felt like I'd missed something I thought was due to me. I do not regret anything but I wish I had something to regret, namely realizing a love I might have missed a long the way.
I wish I had a more usefull answer to help you out but you see, I'm not much of an authority matters of love.
Jack's and Ennis's love seems more real than anything I've lived!!

Having said that, I'd be more than willing to see BBM in HD on a big flat screen TV anytime!!!

I wish you love,

JJ

[mariska]

Hi, my first post on this thread.

Miral, I tend to agree with John John: it may be helpful to be able to separate life and fiction here. Sadly, it is not given to everyone to have a great and satisfying love in one's life. We all know that, right?

Another thing, I do not want to say that such love would never happen to you, but could it be that you are still going through the aftershock of the movie and may not be composed enough to make any big decisions? I hope this does not sound impertinent.

I myself was shell-shocked by the movie. It just happened that I watched at the end of what I like to call my decade from hell, when almost nothing went right, including a big romance of mine which promised to lead to a happy marriage but left me so scarred that I have not tried to look for anyone new ever since, and it has been a few years (well, being broke and overworked most of the time has had something to do with this as well).

After watching the movie I felt a very strong urge to change my life immediately and radically. I guess it was a mid-life crisis. But it turned out that postponing any drastic moves until I calmed down a little was a good idea. Had I acted on all the impluses I felt for a good while after watching the movie, I would have felt rather foolish now.

I do not want to imply that you should stand this situation if you can fix it--BBM has taught us that much, hasn't it? I just think you have to weigh all the pros and contras calmly and with a clear understanding of all the implications.

I am sure you will find your way.

[chandra]

I swear,you made a difference in so many people's lives girl,you really have no clue.

Jackie Love~

I have to echo what everyone is saying here. I'm not going to list the differences you have made in my life because I know you know deep down inside. Trust that. Keep trusting it. Thank you for sharing and for doing your share of listening.

I love and adore you sister of mine.

xxxooo~J

[paintedshoes]

Miral, welcome home!  For we are that, for those who choose it to be. 

I see that you understand that there are no limits to what can be touched upon and dealt with, as we can.  I am glad that you trust us enough to share your problems with us, as most of us have done, and continue to do.  Brokeback hit each of us differently, yet it was the same...an alteration of how we see life, ourselves, and each other.

So...you and your husband love each other, but he just does not have a very strong libido...has he been checked out physically?  Often, problems with the sex drive have a physical cause.  Don't give up on him, or your relationship, quite yet.  You said you have been through therapy, but, maybe you need someone else to help...not every therapist fits.

In the meantime, honey....stay here, post, let us know you a little more, and we will do what we can to help, even if it means just listening.

Banal words, maybe, but I have learned from personal experience, the truth of them...this place, these people, can save you...as they saved me and so many, with their all-enveloping love.

Welcome, sister. 

[paintedshoes]

Mariska...you seem to be a wise woman.  Thank you for joining this thread.   


Jenny, my darling sister.  You know.   

[JohnnyX]

Hi. This is my first post, though I have been a reader of all the forums for a few months. I need help!! I'm sorry if this is personal, but I guess everyone seems to be OK with it.

... I find the movie very erotic, touching both the sexual and romantic places in me--though perhaps that's not a good way to phrase it.

I am lucky enough to have met my soulmate and we've been married for 16 years. I went all out for love, showed people everything. That was just in my nature. We have a very good marriage, considering what we've gone though: long periods of unemployment, mental illness, an affair (mine, for reasons I will explain), strong differences in boundary styles, and so on. We have no kids by choice. He is my best friend and my best buddy.

But--he's not at ALL what you would call passionate. He has a skin disease that for many years has made him feel unattractive, even though he is really quite cute. We are extremely affectionate, but he doesn't show sexual longing at all. Most of all, he really doesn't like kissing. In bed, he is not bad in terms of the mechanics. Just the lack of passion. If I try to kiss him deeply and ask him if he likes it, he would shrug his shoulders and say, "It's OK." He does show an appreciation for my 36C assets. And by the way, I'm quite attractive and sexy. I'm 46, but in some neighborhoods still get passes from strangers on the street.

Unfortunately, we don't make a good match on that the thing that turns me on the most is feeling wanted, sexually desired. And he just can't show that--he doesn't often initiate and once we went months without having sex and he really didn't seem to notice. Part of this has to do with our personal relationship at the time, and part has to do with the fact that because of a bladder condition I have, we have to be VERY careful.

...

Is this happening to anyone else? Does anyone here understand? Please write.

Miral

Dear Miral.

To start with: WELCOME to this wonderful thread, I hope that you will find some degree of solace in here amongst the rest of us -- and hopefully once you have posted sufficiently, you will start some Private Messages (PMs) with certain individuals where you can pour your heart out even more, and find superb friendships here, as I have been so fortunate to have done.

I feel that Mariska and JohnJohn have both given you some very valuable starting points; and I cannot emphasise enough Mariska's point about NOT making any rash decisions at this early stage of  your BBM affliction.  One of our posters on here several months back (Hi Mel!!!) when she first wrote, was so anguished that she felt that she should throw over her husband and young child because of her new feelings; luckily she didn't, and wrote back several weeks later to say how glad she was that she had not been so impetuous.

Miral, you end by asking if anyone else on here understands.  Wow, you probably would not believe how so much of what you have written is a mirror image in reverse of so much of my situation. (I say in reverse because of our gender reversals).

I also have a loving wife who I feel sure is the only person in the world who I should be married to; and yet where I have a tempestuously high libido, hers is almost non-existent. Like your husband, she also has a long-term skin condition, leading to permanent and increasing arthritis injuries -- and her permanent anti-inflammatory medications reduce almost all of her body's "feelings" apart from pain. 

Like you, I CRAVE a partner who wants me sexually as much as I want her; and yet I know that will never happen.  Yet at the same time, I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with her.  Accordingly, I have to count my blessings, and be content with ALL of the OTHER wonderful things which we have together.  Luckily I have made some wonderful friends on here, who I can share my passion with in cyber-space. That helps a lot.

Also, where you wrote that you find BBM to be very erotic, touching both the sexual and romantic places in you: I think that you will find almost everyone on this thread will have had the same experience with this film; but I cannot recall having read anyone who put it so well and so succinctly. Accordingly, feel joy that you are amongst LOTS of people who have been similarly touched by BBM. Thank you for that lovely synopsis.

I do sincerely hope that something amongst our posts might help to lighten the burden for you a little.  If you have time, explore some of the other threads on this board. Hopefully you will find several to interest you.  One which I have not visited for months now, but which was very therapeutic for me at one stage of my BBM "cure", was the CAPTIONS thread.  Some of those captions are so funny and witty, that they make us laugh out loud; whilst a few re-kindle our maudlin senses. Some people enjoy the chit-chat threads which are not for me. Others find the more analytical threads to be of value. With my filthy mind, I love the JUICY threads too -- but again have not visited there in recent times.

Please write back regularly HERE, to keep us updated on how you are proceeding, as you work your way through your new feelings etc. For myself, it is well over a year since I started reading on here, and almost a year since I first posted here, soon found love here with another man, ever too soon experienced heartbreak through him, and have now settled into the most warming, loving, correspondence relationships on here with some very very special people. I now feel at ease with BBM, and all of the feelings which it inspired in me; and in place of the issues which BBM "found" inside of me, I now have the warm contentment of these new loving relationships. I wish the same for you; but my feelings are that this stage arrives very slowly and gradually.

On brainyquote.com I found these quotations on marriage which might also have resonance with you:

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henry Youngman


A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year.
Paul Sweeney


Best wishes: JohnnyX.

P.S. To MARISKA: welcome to you also to our wonderful thread. May we hear more here from you as well.   Regards: J.