How Brokeback affected me

[Janie-G]

I am often inadequately prepared for what I wish to say...

Janie....OMG, dear sister in Brokeback....how much this must affect you, knowing you may have changed someone forever, for that is what Brokeback   tends to do, isn't it?  Change people?  Please let us know what happens with your friend as she sees the DVD? 

Hi again.
I'll certainly update you on how this turns out.Thank you all for being there when I needed to tell someone about this.
It could be some time before I report back because I think she wants to see it alone.I think that's best because the last thing she or this film needs is someone harumphing around in the background making comments!Two and a half hours alone in the dark with Jack and Ennis is needed.
I was affected by this incident and I think you're right,it's the thought of changing something in another person or at least giving that person the key to the process.
So,we'll see what happens.
You never know,maybe she'll be joining us here.Hope so.
Janie.

[TwistsBitch]

Interesting turn of events there Janie.  I don't know anyone closely that has been affected by BMM so I was imagining if I did & I think I'd feel very nervous: what if they didn't feel a strong reaction to the film after all?  Also it's quite an intimate thing to share with someone close if it didn't happen at the same time to you both.  Maybe I would feel protective about sharing my feelings as if somehow they would be less special.  It will certainly feel a bit strange I should think.  Hope it goes well 

[Rei-gyoku]

Rei-g,
Thank you for your beautiful post.
Your spin on this is very much appreciated,  and yet another thoughtfully reverent perspective.   
Jay

Good evening (or afternoon)　Jay,
Thank you.  I might be carrying the notebook with me around for a while.

I am still trying to figure out why I raved.
Diana Ossana wrote in her essay that the story of the two men "tapped deep into her own private well of pain and regret" , and it seems like a similar case with me.
I often resent myself for not being able to forget things from years back when I know there is no use thinking.  Things just happened and wasn't my fault even.

Rei-g

[mcnell1120]

Hi.I haven't posted here for a very long time.Too long maybe.But something happened this week which I think is worth sharing.
Like many people here I've come to realise that the "Brokeback effect" has set me apart from people I know.Superficially,things are the same;we see each other socially,gossip,help each other out,etc. but there's an emotional distance there.Something in me was released by Brokeback which they didn't experience.
So,when I tentatively lent one friend,"Beyond Brokeback" I wasn't expecting much of a reaction.Maybe a polite,"Interesting book.Thanks". Yesterday the phone rang and my hubby answered it and passed it over to me with a concerned expression.
The sound on the end of the line was of someone who'd been crying and who could hardly speak.Completely choked up.Eventually I heard the story.She'd begun to read,couldn't put it down and finally collapsed in tears.Never read anything so moving or absorbing.
Now she began to understand what had obsessed me for over a year.Could she borrow the DVD? Nothing I said over a year made her want to see the film but reading this book did.
So,I await the result of her first viewing of Brokeback.
Needless to say,I gave her the book to keep.

Janie,

I love it when I hear stories like yours. I know what you mean when you say you feel alone in all this,that superficial interaction with your friends from home. I'm all alone in this over here too. I have no one to talk about my feelings like this,even my husband won't understand,so I've come to realize that this emotion is only mine and I must accept it for what it is.I haven't read our whole book yet.Haven't told a single soul it exists.Maybe it's because I'm in it and don't want to expose myself to those feelings to people I know won't understand.Afraid of their reactions.But who knows,maybe one day.It's like my little secret right now.

When you talk about changing people,or you hear about them checking out this Forum because of you,it really makes you feel good. The other day I received a PM from a Forum member I introduced to a few months back.He had lost his partner from a sudden heart attack. A man I never spoke to in my old job I worked in. I was so surprised to hear from him,never thought I would bump into him,even in this Forum. He hardly ever posts anymore,but I'm sure he lurks.I was touched that he was thinking of me..touched that I made a difference some how.However small it was.

So I'm sure as the days and months that go by so quickly for me,I will be meeting and introducing to people this Forum,our "Beyond Brokeback" book,our movie...any chance I get. OMG...I just thought of something...I'm going to tell my friend about the book,if he doesn't already know or have it...hmmmm....his name is "Eclypto"...if you see him around,please welcome him...what am I saying..of course you will...

Janie,I don't mind feeling different...I know that in my heart,we were all chosen some how.I'm thankful and feel so blessed to be a part of all this.I try to live my life to the fullest.To appreciate what I have,and not sweat the small stuff of what I don't have.My life these past few months have taken such a turn. A good turn.My eyes have been opened and I owe it to a few of you members in here.Some no longer are members anymore. But my heart is forever yours....my thoughts are always in this place and I live my life the "Brokeback" way.You know what I mean?

I'm so glad you had the opportunity to share with someone.You have opened their eyes too and now they will be a better person because of it,how cool is that?

((hugs))

Nellie

[Rei-gyoku]

I've been on this forum since very early January 2006 and still haven't found a real "brokeaholic" in the Seattle/Tacoma area...

Rob,
So it maybe it's a rare thing to run into a "brokeaholic" in real life.
After all, what would I do with a real life Brokie, sob together?

Naw, ya gotta add the word "prajna" to the title... "The Maha Prajna Brokeback Sutra".
("Prajna" or the Korean version, "Ban-ya" or "Pan-ya", is my dharma name. )

Yeah, I thought of Maha Prajna Paramita BB Sutra but it seemed a bit long.
Wow, you even have a dharma name!  It's "Han-nya" here in characters, bit confusing.

Are you guiding me into the area of "beans and euphonium"?
Not here, not now!  Maybe later, way the hell out in the middle a nowhere!! 

Rei-g

[Rob in Puyallup]

Interesting turn of events there Janie.  I don't know anyone closely that has been affected by BMM so I was imagining if I did & I think I'd feel very nervous: what if they didn't feel a strong reaction to the film after all?  Also it's quite an intimate thing to share with someone close if it didn't happen at the same time to you both.  Maybe I would feel protective about sharing my feelings as if somehow they would be less special.  It will certainly feel a bit strange I should think.  Hope it goes well 

When the movie came out at the theater I took three friends at different times... I also recommended it to many others, several of them went to see it. None were really affected by it as I was, not in the same "space" that I occupied, I guess.

They all knew of my reaction to it, I couldn't help myself from talking about it since it hit me so hard. One of these friends took her husband with her when she saw it... she then started bringing the classifieds to work with her, asking me if I was looking for a "Jackie" or a "Jack". A couple months later I came out to her, when she asked that question, (which had become routine on Thursday nights), I spilled the beans.

My life changed, instantly! Suddenly I found my way out of the dark closet that I had been deeply hidden in for 45 of my (now) 47 years. All because of how this movie stirred me... how it, really, deeply affected me...

RobsGalPal is that members screen-name... If you see her bumping around in here tell her I said "thanks!" and blow her a kiss.

[CellarDweller115]

Nellie, my love, you (and everyone else here) are not different!

we've found plenty of like minded people here!

[mcnell1120]

Nellie, my love, you (and everyone else here) are not different!

we've found plenty of like minded people here!

I know sweetheart...I meant with the people outside this Forum,hon 

[Rob in Puyallup]

I've been on this forum since very early January 2006 and still haven't found a real "brokeaholic" in the Seattle/Tacoma area...

Rob,
So it maybe it's a rare thing to run into a "brokeaholic" in real life.
After all, what would I do with a real life Brokie, sob together?

Naw, ya gotta add the word "prajna" to the title... "The Maha Prajna Brokeback Sutra".
("Prajna" or the Korean version, "Ban-ya" or "Pan-ya", is my dharma name. )

Yeah, I thought of Maha Prajna Paramita BB Sutra but it seemed a bit long.
Wow, you even have a dharma name!  It's "Han-nya" here in characters, bit confusing.

Are you guiding me into the area of "beans and euphonium"?
Not here, not now!  Maybe later, way the hell out in the middle a nowhere!! 

Rei-g

Yes, Han-nya is the Japanese "pronounciation" of the word! So nice to meet another of our sort here... whatever that means! 

I "took" the precepts and got the incense burn in May of 1995, on the Buddha Day celebration at Sei Mi Sa, the Korean Son (Zen) Temple in Tacoma.

[Rei-gyoku]

Rei-g, a very special どうもありがとうございます to you for your words.

Hello, fritzkep
Special thank you back to you.  Wow,  a magnificent multi-linguist! 

Rei-g

[Rei-gyoku]

Rei-g...thank you for that lovely story of the writing of Brokeback in your own hand...I am envious of your ability and decision to do that.  To me, it is loveliness in all it's glory and joy....thank you.

Hello, Jackie,

Now that it's done, I think I should have chosen a nicer notebook.

Just saw your nice picture at the diner.
I was out a few hours ago.  The moon was out and it seemed full.
You know what I think about now when I see the full moon 

Rei-g

[fritzkep]

Rei-g, a very special どうもありがとうございます to you for your words.

Hello, fritzkep
Special thank you back to you.  Wow,  a magnificent multi-linguist! 

Rei-g

どういたしまして!

フリツ  Fritz

[Jay63]

  I might be carrying the notebook with me around for a while.

I am still trying to figure out why I raved.
Diana Ossana wrote in her essay that the story of the two men "tapped deep into her own private well of pain and regret" , and it seems like a similar case with me.
I often resent myself for not being able to forget things from years back when I know there is no use thinking.  Things just happened and wasn't my fault even.

Rei-g

Dear Rei-g,
I  - -WE -- look forward to hearing more from you  - as you make your discoveries & revelations.  Hope you will share some of them.

I carried a copy of "Close Range" around with me for months last year,  and then could not find it when packing for the Colorado get together!   Oh well,   I knew someone would have a copy if I needed a look.  The contents have been embedded in my consciousness anyway.

Regarding "deep wells of pain and regret" - one of the powerful effects for me,  has been to finally let go of crippling regrets and self-recriminations,  and live in the moment - with an eye to the future.   

Your words so far,  leave me optimistic that you will have a positive outcome as well.

Cheers,  Rei-g!
Jay

[Janie-G]

Nellie,TwistsBitch,Rob and everybody else,
It's a miracle to come here and be instantly understood! Thank you!
This feeling of being different and being protective of Brokeback feelings seems to be a common factor amongst us doesn't it? Maybe it was because we were different before Brokeback that we all had this reaction to it. Who knows? Nellie,you're so right to say it's o.k.to be different and to take away from Brokeback what it teaches us about how to live.Your book entry is right next to mine and when I read it I knew exactly how you felt.It was like looking into a mirror and seeing myself! I made a promise never to let a prejudicial remark go unchallenged too.
The next hurdle for me is to go to the library and see if they'll accept the book as a donation.I say hurdle because I'll have to explain about the film,forum etc.and that feeling of secretiveness will make that hard.
In a way,I quite like having Brokeback as my secret so yes,I am hesitant about trying to share it with others in RL in case their reaction isn't like mine.I remember at the very beginning of Brokeback Fever how I couldn't understand why I was like that and other people weren't.I was thinking about this last night and I remembered when I went to see it for the last time,alone,late at night and I thought I'd be the only one in there. But the place was full, mainly women. I wish so much now I'd talked to some of them because I know now that they felt just like me.I even recognised some of them from previous viewings.
Your stories are so interesting.Rob,that was wonderful! Your whole life changed just because of this movie and that perceptive person.
 Mentioning people on the forum we've had fleeting contact with,I'd like to say that sometimes we don't know the effect we have by just the merest contact. Jeff Hanna,I don't know if you're still around but you sent me a lovely message just when I was having a totally lousy time and it made such a difference!Thanks!
Janie

[jeff hanna]

Hi Janie! Yes, I'm still around, frequently lurking, only occasionally posting. Haven't been on this thead for awhile, and just happened to notice your name...so came here to read your good (as always) comment. All the very best to you from San Diego.

  See you up on Brokeback,

  Jeff